ABC
by SawManiac211
Summary: A series of random one-shots feauturing words of the alphabet...and a lot of freaky randomness! Rating may change in later chapters, suggestions will behelpful.
1. A is for Addictive

**A is for Addicted**

"Hoffman?" John closed the door of Hoffman's apartment – he'd figured out how to pick the lock ages ago – and began searching it for the elusive detective. He was livid; no-one had turned up to help him with the new trap designs that morning, and he suspected that Hoffman was behind it.

Hearing sounds from the living room, he flung the closed door open with a bang and stalked in. "Hoffman," He snapped. "Why – " He stopped dead. "WHAT THE HELL?!"

He didn't think the room could hold so many people. _Everyone_ – even Strahm, who was completely paranoid that Hoffman would try to kill him again – was crammed into the small space. And all of them were staring at the TV screen. Hoffman, Amanda, Lawrence and Adam were wielding wheel shaped objects, on the screen Princess Peach, King Boo, Toad and Mario were jostling for prime position.

John groaned. "Not Mariocart _again_..."

Hoffman jumped, startled. "Aww, noooo..." He groaned. "John, you just got my car crushed!"

At the word 'crushed' Strahm squeaked and ran out of the room.

"I swear you do that on purpose..." Amanda commented, not taking her eyes off the screen.

"Do what on purpose?" Hoffman asked smugly.

John glared at them, then turned to Jill. "Have they been playing this all day?"

Jill fidgeted. "Uh...I've been playing too..."

John looked at her. "...You do realise I married you for your sense, right?"

"You said it was for my boobs."

"...That too..."

"John, face it," Lawrence said in his most doctorly tone as he crossed the finish line – 1st place again, he thought with pride. "We're all addicted apart from you, and it's very difficult to break addictions – trust me, I'm a doctor."

"Fine." John grunted, mentally noting he had to see the Wii on Ebay at the first opportunity. By now everyone had crossed the finish line apart from Princess Peach.

"Uh..." Amanda tapped Hoffman on the shoulder. "Hoffman, you're going round backwards."

Hoffman squinted at the screen. "...Ah." He twisted the wheel the right way up and the pink motorbike did a 180.

John stared at Hoffman. Hard. "Hoffman, is there something you need to tell any of us?"

"I picked the wrong character, that's all!"

"I saw you in a gay nightclub."

"...The music was good."

"Hmm..."

Zepp plonked himself down on the sofa next to Hoffman. "Alright, it's my turn now. Hoffman, give that control here!"

Everyone looked at him, acknowledged his presence – and then did a double take, shouting at the same time: "ZEPP! YOU'RE MEANT TO BE DEAD!"

"And how did you get into my apartment?" Hoffman fumed.

Zepp grinned at their expressions. "Hey, it was only a toilet lid...doctors can fix that!" He looked pointedly at Lawrence, who leaned slowly away from Adam, who was giving him an ash-pile-in-3-seconds glare. "And Hoffman, I picked the lock on your door. I've been hiding in your wardrobe eating your muffins."

Hoffman swore as he finally realised how people got into the apartment without him giving them a key. He made a mental note to change his lock and get a burglar alarm fitted.

Amanda stood and passed John her remote. "You want a go?"

John paused, then sighed and took the remote. "...If it makes you weird people happy, then fine."

**A few hours later**

Hoffman stood in the doorway of the now dark room, the only light coming from the TV screen. "John, go home. Now."

John didn't even look up from the TV screen. "Hoffman, you can't break addictions just like that. Didn't you hear Lawrence?"

Hoffman groaned and left him to it.

**ZEPP LIVES!!! I hope all Zepp-lovers are happy (I only know of one, but there must be other...)**

**Any suggestions for other letters?**


	2. B is for Breakfast

**B is for Breakfast**

**(EmeraldDragon93, I was stuck for ideas. Thank you so, so much. : ) )**

"Right." John glared round the group. "For this ONE TIME, we are going to do something as a family – "

"John," Jill glared at Amanda. "There is _no way_ that we are a family. Especially with that bitch..."

Amanda hissed, cat style. Hoffman, knowing the signs, backed slowly away...

"There is no way in hell," Strahm declared, pointing. "That I am being associated with _him_!"

Hoffman looked behind him and then back. "I'm sorry, are you talking about me or Adam?"

Strahm paused, then shrugged. "Meh."

"But I never did anything to you!" Adam whined.

"YOU SLAMMED A TOILET LID ON MY HEAD, BIATCH!" Zepp hollered, jumping up and down.

"And then you _had_ to fix him, didn't you?" Adam stared hard at Lawrence, who started whistling Coldplay in nervousness. Unfortunately he'd chosen 'Fix You', which only made the tension even worse.

John sighed as everyone glared at each other. "Fine...just this once as a...gathering of people...we are going to do something together – that DOES NOT INVOLVE THE WII!" He yelled. Hoffman slowly put the remotes back in the drawer with all the trap designs, then raised his hands above his head.

Such was the terror inspired by John Kramer.

"John," Lawrence broke the silence whilst glancing at his watch – a Rolex which Hoffman still argued was fake and which Lawrence argued Hoffman was being jealous. Which he was. But 'That Wasn't The Point'. "I need to be back at the hospital in an hour – "

"What are we meant to be doing?" Interrupted Adam, still glaring at Lawrence.

"We," John said impressively. "Are going to have breakfast." Everyone groaned. "Look, this is important for building trust in relationships and – HOFFMAN, GET BACK HERE NOW!"

"Aww, c'mon," Hoffman moaned, closing the door he had been sidling towards. "I've got work to go to!"

"I'm sure you do." John pointed at a chair. "Sit." He looked piercingly round. "That includes ALL THE REST OF YOU!"

Hurriedly, everyone sat down.

John grinned suddenly. "Coffee?" He asked brightly as he walked out of the door of the warehouse.

Strahm slumped in his chair. "Oh, great." He noticed Hoffman was sitting right next to him and shifted his chair towards Zepp. "Oh, _great_."

"Amanda, put the knife down!" Lawrence snapped as Amanda pointed the butter knife at Jill.

"If you try to come _anywhere_ near me," Amanda threatened, jabbing the knife towards Jill's middle torso. "I _will_ kill you."

"Charming." Jill commented dryly.

Meanwhile, Zepp and Adam – who were seated opposite each other – eyed each other up.

The tension was so bad they could actually hear their thoughts.

_Bastard..._ That was Zepp.

_Where is a toilet lid when you need one?_ That was Adam.

Lawrence put his head down on the table. And he'd thought getting divorced was tough...

"I have a feeling that John's testing us." Hoffman announced after a few minutes of loud silence.

Amanda snorted. "And how exactly did you figure that out, Inspector Clouseau?" Strahm started humming 'The Pink Panther' theme under his breath and Hoffman glared him into silence.

"On one piece of evidence," Hoffman looked round at them slowly. "It does not take a quarter of an hour to make coffee. I should know."

No-one could contradict this basis of hard fact.

"What are we being tested on?" Adam and Lawrence flinched slightly at the word 'tested' and Zepp smirked slightly as they leaned that tiniest fraction of an inch away from him. Oh, the power...

"On whether we can get on." Hoffman said simply.

"But that's impossible!" Jill exclaimed.

"I agree with Jill," Amanda agreed. "I – "

The two women stared at each other in disbelief.

"We agreed on something!" Jill said disbelievingly.

"I know," Amanda said faintly. "It's weird...and not in a good way..." She put down the butter knife.

Adam sneaked a glance at Zepp. "Err...sorry about the whole toilet lid thing...I guess it wasn't exactly your fault."

"Yeah sure, I get told I have 'poison coursing through my veins' and I don't freak out when everything goes shit and it's all _my_ fault." Zepp said sarcastically, but in a nice sort of sarcastic way.

"Did you ever find out what poison it was?" Asked Lawrence, joining the conversation.

"No..."

"Well, what symptoms did you have?"

"Well..."

As that conversation progressed and Jill and Amanda started finding more and more things they agreed on, Hoffman and Strahm looked at each other.

"Strahm," Hoffman said solemnly. "Don't be alarmed, but I am about to do something that will make us look like we've forgotten the whole crushing incident."

Strahm looked nervous. "...And what is that?"

"I'm going to hug you."

And he did, which was a slightly scary experience for both of them.

"Oww," Complained Hoffman. "Stop crushing me!"

Strahm squeaked and ran out of the room. Everyone stopped talking and glared coldly at Hoffman, who shrugged. "Sorry; old habits die hard et cetra..."

And John, drinking coffee in the main room of the warehouse, glanced at the monitors and grinned.

Then he selected his car for Mariocart.


	3. C is for Condoms

**C is for Condom**

"ALRIGHT!" Hoffman dived for cover as John burst into his apartment.

"How did you get in?" He fumed – then jumped he noted everyone else staring at him. "I changed the lock! _Changed it, I tell you!_"

"Hoffman, Hoffman, Hoffman," Amanda said kindly, patting him on the arm. "A change of lock does nothing to an expert lock-picker like me."

"And I guess you've taught everyone else?" Hoffman asked tiredly.

"I already knew how to do that!" Adam piped up.

"If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't." Zepp reminded him.

Adam shrugged. "Meh."

As Hoffman slumped back on the sofa, resigned to a lifetime of people barging into his house just because they could – that and because he had Sky HD and it made it so much better to watch Chelsea playing – John glared round at the group.

"Who," He asked dangerously. "Used_ this_?" From behind his back he produced a bit of limp white rubber that everyone at once recognised.

"Ooo, party balloons!" Well, apart from Hoffman.

"I always find it ironic," Remarked Strahm. "That the country with one of the highest populations in the world makes most of these things."

"CHINARIST!" Jill shrieked, stabbing a finger at Strahm. "CHINARIST!"

"Death by crushing, anyone?" Hoffman asked cheerfully. Strahm squeaked and ran out of the room.

"I don't care about the crushing or Chinarists or anything." John growled, waving the item in the air. "_Someone_ did...something last night, and I want to know who it was."

"John, can't you just say someone fucked last night and get it over with?" Amanda asked tiredly.

"Oh..." Hoffman's penny dropped and he pointed at the door. "Get that out of my apartment NOW! Find a rubbish bin...or you could recycle..."

"Eew!" Everyone chorused.

Hoffman glared at them. "You lot have such dirty minds." He said haughtily, before going into the kitchen with the dignity he thought he had, but had lost quite a while ago.

"Well, it wasn't me." Amanda crossed her arms under her chest defensively. "I never got past second base with my date, and besides, I'm always very careful that I don't use condoms and leave them where you can find them."

John's face darkened. "You have a date?"

"Had." Corrected Amanda. "Went out with him on Tuesday."

"Wait a second," Jill stared at Amanda in disbelief. "On Tuesday you went out with Hoffman to get some scrap for the next test!"

There was a very awkward silence.

"_You're going out with Hoffman?_" Jill shrieked as Adam, Lawrence and Zepp cracked up laughing at John and Jill's facial expressions.

"PAST TENSE!" Amanda shouted.

"_We're taking a break!_" Came from the kitchen, along with the grinding noise coffee machines make when they're about to explode. This was followed soon after by a bang, a lot of swearing and a few drops of scalding hot water landing on the carpet in the living room. Hoffman staggered out heading towards the bathroom; he'd taken more of the impact than the kitchen itself, which was annoying because if he'd damaged enough to claim insurance he could've redecorated or gotten a fingerprint scanner for the door...

Once he had gone, John turned to look at Jill.

Jill looked back coldly. "John, no."

"Fine." John looked at Zepp, who raised his eyebrows.

"Listen, I've been talking to a really great girl on IM, but we haven't met up yet, so no."

"_Same – OW – here!_" Came from the bathroom.

"I hate that bitch..." Amanda muttered. She noticed Jill smirking at her. "Not that I _care_..."

"You sure it's a _girl_, Hoffman?" Lawrence called.

Hoffman stuck his head round the door. "One more gay wisecrack, and I'll lock you in the bathroom again."

"I'll help." Offered Zepp.

"Alright." Hoffman agreed.

_...And I'll lock you in there too._ They both schemed.

"So, who was it then?" John, Amanda, Jill, Zepp and Hoffman turned and stared at Adam and Lawrence, who weren't laughing anymore.

"Uhh," Adam scratched his back and looked embarrassed. "We were trying something..."

"I kissed a boy and I liked it..." Sang Hoffman, glad he could turn their gay jokes back on them.

"Hey, at least we admitted it!" Lawrence shot at Hoffman.

"I'M NOT GAY!" Hoffman shouted.

"_Hoffman,_" Came Amanda's voice from the bedroom. "_Why is there a poster of Robert Patterson in your bedroom?_"

"...Past...ex...girlfriend..." Hoffman tried to explain as Lawrence and Adam roared with laughter.

"And you had to pick the ugly one!" Lawrence grinned.

"Nice one, boys." Jill hi-fived both Adam and Lawrence, then left the apartment.

John chucked the condom in the bin and also left.

And in the end – after Zepp turned the TV on to watch Chelsea vs. Wigan – Hoffman gloomily left his own apartment.

**Three Day Later**

"Uggh...where am I?"

"I don't know...hold on...oh, bugger."

As the lights flickered on, Zepp and Hoffman shared a look from across the bathroom floor where they were chained up.

"Bugger." They said together.

**Shout out to JinxSaw for giving me the word for the story. 8-0 to Chelsea GO LAMPARD! : )**

**Any suggestions for D?**


	4. D is for Dating

**D is for Dating**

**(xXErineilXx, ENJOY!)**

"One question," Hoffman looked at Zepp from the door of the Italian restraint. "Are you _sure_ this is a good idea?"

"Hoffman," Zepp opened the door. "It was – if I remember correctly – _your_ idea to meet up with the girls we've been talking to on IM. If we end up getting raped by men that are older than us, it's all your fault for not being Cybersafe."

"Uhh..." Hoffman said slowly, following him inside. He was becoming more and more apprehensive as time went on.

"Look, just try not to be as weird as usual, ok? You might scare them off." Zepp instructed Hoffman as they took off their coats and hung them up.

Hoffman was offended. "Hey I'm not – " A tray of muffins was carried past them and Zepp rolled his eyes as Hoffman became distracted.

"Don't have an orgasm." He muttered sarcastically as they went into the main room.

It was pretty quiet – it was raining heavily outside (no-one's idea of a romantic evening) so the restraint was empty except for a handful of elderly couples and –

Hoffman did a double take. _Amanda and Strahm_ were sitting together in a booth near the window. Strahm shrank in his seat at the look Hoffman gave him, but Amanda just gave him a bright, cheerful wave with a smile to match.

"What's wrong, Detective?" Zepp asked mockingly.

Hoffman rounded on him. "You knew about this, didn't you?"

Zepp laughed. "Oh, relax. Amanda clearly just wants to piss you off for going out with someone other than her - and she knows its working!"

"Shut up..." Hoffman growled under his breath as he gave the room another discrete sweep for the two girls they were meant to be meeting up with; 'MuffinMania' and '3Zepp3'.

The only reason he noticed the two teenagers sitting in the corner booth was the rainbow sweater one of them was wearing. It was striped in bright slashes of colour and off one shoulder, with a little green owl pendant hanging on a silver chain round her neck. Her green eyes were made slightly darker by her hair, which was dyed a rich chocolaty brown. Apart from the sweater and the gold-and-black pumps, those were the only bright items of clothing: black skinny jeans emphasised her leg shape and a Goth-style lightweight trench coat – which she clearly couldn't be bothered to hang up – lay screwed up in a corner.

The other girl looked slightly more formal. Her black hair was tied back in a scruffy ponytail, and she was applying a layer of mascara around her dark eyes. She was wearing a purple silky dress with a large purple bow in the corner of the neckline which left no room for a necklace. She was wearing silver high heels and had a similar coat to the other girl except that it was red and double-breasted.

There was one thing on each of them that was exactly the same – a charm bracelet with the following charms: a muffin, a jigsaw piece, a crab, an owl, a blobby-shaped piece with a lion and a tiger engraved onto it (presumably Kenya), and a seagull.

"Oh," Hoffman groaned. "My God."

"What?" Zepp asked.

Hoffman kept his head buried in his hands. "Zepp, you know what you were saying about being 'Cybersafe'?"

"Uhh...yes?"

"Do you want the good news or the bad news?"

"...Both."

"Good news: they are the right gender and they are not older than us."

"Oh, ok. And the bad news...?"

"The bad news is, we're older than them. They're teenagers."

"WHAT?"

Hoffman felt relieved with that reaction – and then he saw Zepp's grin. "Zepp, this is not a good thing!"

"Trust me, this is good." Zepp patted him on the shoulder. "You can probably still get off with Amanda, and in the meantime we can have a pretty good evening."

Hoffman stared. "Are you suggesting we – "

"'Course not, you paedo! No, we just explain the misunderstanding, we eat, we foot the bill and then we part ways."

Hoffman replaced 'I'm not a paedo!' with "You sure 'bout that?"

Zepp shrugged. "Well, I don't know about you, but I'm not going anywhere."

"Like I said, you sure 'bout that?" Hoffman mumbled as he followed Zepp in the direction of the table.

Girl-With-Purple-Dress saw them coming and smiled. "Oh, hi Zepp."

Zepp stopped dead and stared. "...How do you know it was me?"

"Oh trust me," Girl-With-Sweater fished around in her handbag and pulled out a muffin, which she began to eat. "We've been watching you for a very long time, and – "

"Ooo, muffin!" Zepp elbowed Hoffman hard in the ribs, and the two girls laughed.

"I'm Izzy." Said Girl-With-Purple-Dress. "And that's Amy."

Amy – formerly known as Girl-With-Sweater – gave a little wave and bit into her muffin.

"Do you have any more of those?" Hoffman asked, trying – and failing – not to sound too eager.

"Yup," Amy fished around in her handbag again. "They're my favourite accessories." She pulled out one. "Sorry, I've only got blueberry left."

"That's ok." Hoffman accepted graciously. Biting into it – forgetting to take off the wrapper – he sat down in the booth next to Amy.

Zepp looked at Izzy. Izzy grinned. "So, do you like HSM?"

Zepp grinned back. "Yes, I certainly do." He sat down next to her.

This was shaping up to be a perfect date...

**An hour or so later**

"We're leaving already?" Whined Strahm.

Amanda glared at him, incensed at last beyond reasoning. Her plan to make Hoffman jealous clearly hadn't worked, and Hoffman clearly was having a better time than she was, so there was no point in her staying. She glanced across at their table. Hoffman noticed her looking and gave her a wave. Amanda ignored him and stalked out.

Hoffman raised his eyebrows at Amy, who shrugged. "Meh."

"If I were you," Izzy said, sipping her J2O. "I would go after her.

"And why would I do that?" Hoffman asked.

"Hoffman, she's bloody crazy about you!" Zepp burst out. "And besides, it'll get Adam and Lawrence off your back about the whole gay thing..."

Hoffman had to agree with the last comment.

"You know, the most romantic moments always happen in the rain..." Amy commented absently, gazing out of the window. Lightning was followed instantly by a crash of thunder. "...Can I take that statement back?"

Hoffman didn't answer: he was already out the door.

Lawrence and Adam ducked back out from under the table as Hoffman left.

"That was close." Adam sighed with relief.

"Indeed," Lawrence re-opened his menu. "You wanna order?

"OI, AMANDA!" Amanda sighed and turned around to see Hoffman jogging towards them.

Strahm stepped in front of her. "Sorry, pal, but she's going out with me!" He spat.

Hoffman just looked at him. "...You know exactly what I'm going to say. Just squeak and run away, as always."

Strahm complied.

"Look," Hoffman took another step forward. "Do you want to come off the brea – oof!" Amanda had wrapped him in a bone crushing hug and it had just become impossible to speak – or breathe, for that matter.

"Ah well, at least _that's_ sorted out!" Hoffman breathed as soon as Amanda let go, relieved that his ribcage was still intact.

And then he saw Lawrence and Adam leaving the restraint with a takeaway. "HA! I KISSED A BOY – "

Adam and Lawrence saw him, threw caution to the winds; the takeaway hadn't even hit the floor before they were on him.

"HEY, THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND, BIATCHES!" Amanda shrieked, joining in the fight. Strahm ran back and started eating the takeaway, and his scream was cut off when Lawrence and Adam sprang to defend their dinner, with Amanda and Hoffman following in hot pursuit.

Izzy and Amy watched the group of struggling people with Zepp.

"Zepp, you wanna join in?" Izzy asked.

"Oh, how well you know me..." Zepp grinned wolfishly as he rolled up his sleeves.

"Why didn't you ask _meee?_" Amy asked, pouting.

"Because I know you want to already...remember your fight with Georgina of her beret?" Izzy asked.

"Oh yeah..." Amy brightened. "I've still got the bruises!"

"GERONIMO!" They all shouted as they entered the fray, using the 11th Doctor's favourite word.

Chaos ensued, until two pairs of familiar feet were spotted and the sopping wet group looked up slowly from their puddle in the gutter.

John turned to Jill. "...For once in my life, I'm not even going to ask."

"For once in my life, I agree with your point of view." Jill agreed with him.

They went inside the Italian restaurant.

**I'm hoping you know what Doctor Who is...**

**Please review and give me some ideas...E, anyone?**


	5. E is for Elephant

**E is for Elephant**

When you walk into the main room of a very large warehouse at 6AM in the morning, what do you expect to see?

Coffee.

Your girlfriend

An elephant

Hoffman was certainly _not_ expecting c), which explains the exclamation.

"WHAT THE FUCK," He screamed, pointing at the African elephant with full tusks chained to the warehouse floor and ceiling. "IS THAT DOING HERE?"

"Chillax, Hoffish." Amanda drawled, wandering into the room looking drowsy. "I know I look bad in the mornings, but there's no need to say anything out loud..."

"No, I mean..." Hoffman pointed again. "That."

Amanda looked and then looked back. "What?"

"_That..._the big grey thing with the fan ears in the middle of the fucking room which is...JESUS!" The elephant had just upturned a table of traps with a clatter. Amanda didn't even flinch.

"Hoffman, I'm not grey. And if you're saying my ears are that big, we need to take another break."

"No...I...ughh!" Hoffman looked around for a sane person. He saw John standing in the doorway glaring at him. He hadn't said _in_sane...

"Hoffman, I need a very good explanation." John said dangerously.

"Look," Hoffman started quickly. "I have no idea how or why the elephant is here, but – "

"No, you moron." John glared at him. "Why are all the traps on the floor?"

Hoffman stared. "What...? No, that wasn't me..."

"Then who was it?" John tapped his foot. "I'm waiting..."

Hoffman pointed yet again. "The elephant!"

John raised a single eyebrow. "Hoffman, out of all the childish excuses you could come up with..."

"What's going on?" Strahm walked into the room just as the elephant idly wrapped its trunk around a beam in the ceiling and snapped it like a twig. "Man, what a mess..."

"Strahm!" Hoffman was getting desperate. "Please tell John that there is a flipping ginormous elephant in the middle of the room!"

Strahm turned to Amanda. "How long has this been going on for?"

Amanda shrugged. "Since he got in this morning."

"Hmm," Strahm stepped into Hoffman's personal bubble and peered at him. "It could be stress; we've got so much paperwork to go through, Erickson's showing no mercy..."

"_It's not stress!_" Hoffman looked round frantically. "There's a bloody elephant – "

"Have you been reading that random poem about an elephant being in the middle of the room and no-one seeing it?" Hoffman jumped as he realised Jill was standing right behind him, smirking her face off.

"Mmm, you could've been dreaming." Amanda said thoughtfully. "Sleepwalking...?"

"That would explain why your flies are undone." Strahm sniggered as Hoffman, red faced from a mixture of embarrassment and frustration, glanced quickly downwards.

Adam and Lawrence crashed into the room, wrestling with Zepp. All three of them were topless, and a t-shirt was being snatched from each other's hands.

"Oh, hey." Adam noticed everyone staring first. "This has a really good explanation. We forgot to do the laundry – "

" – And there's only one shirt left – " Continued Lawrence gravely.

" – So we have to fight for it!" Zepp finished cheerfully.

"...I'm guessing there were only two pairs of pants too." Amanda averted her gaze.

Lawrence looked down at his yellow boxers. "Uhh...are those meant to be yellow?"

"As disgusting as this is," John turned back to Hoffman. "At least they came up with a valid explanation."

"Whereas you come out with some random crap about an elephant." Strahm chipped in happily.

Hoffman's pride was too hurt to comeback with a 'crushing' remark.

"What?" Zepp looked delighted. "HAHAHA, HOFFMAN'S FINALLY CRACKED!"

"I HAVEN'T!" Hoffman retorted. "STOP PLAYING FUCKING MIND GAMES WITH ME!"

"Hmm," Lawrence cocked his head to one side and frowned. "It could be stress...you might want to lie down."

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Adam and Zepp were rolling around on the floor laughing their heads off.

"For someone with no shirt, this must be hilarious." Hoffman spat.

"Luckily for me, I have six packs, not six rolls." Hoffman's expression sent them into further hysterics, Lawrence joining in.

"...You're all blind." Hoffman turned to go.

"You sure you weren't looking in a mirror when you saw that elephant?" Adam called after him, cackling like a hyena.

It took all of Hoffman's willpower not to walk back in there and throttle the man.

Getting into his car and slamming the door with unnecessary force, he checked the time on his phone.

And then noticed the date.

Groaning, Hoffman slammed his head into the steering wheel.

"Happy April Fools, everyone!" Jill suppressed a smile at the three young men rolling around on the floor.

The elephant took that moment to eat the t-shirt and then...

"OH MY GOD," Amanda covered her mouth, her nose wrinkled in disgust. "I AM NOT CLEARING THAT UP!"

"Aww," Lawrence moaned. He got up and jumped up and down, screaming, "GIVE THAT BACK, BITCH!" The elephant smiled infuriatingly benignly back down at him.

"Whosever idea this was," Jill growled is clearing that stuff up."

"And paying for a new t-shirt!" Zepp and Adam added together.

They all turned and stared at John, who, looking grumpy, picked up a mop.

"Fine."

**I know it's not April Fools, but hey...**

**Ideas for F?**


	6. F is for Football

**F is for Football (With some fortune cookies thrown in)**

"Amanda, I am going to ask you one last time..." Hoffman stared grumpily onto the pitch. "Who is Frank Lampard, and what the hell is Chelsea FC?"

Amanda smirked. "'Frank Lampard' is one of the best – and hottest – footballer midfielders in the world, and 'Chelsea FC' is his football club."

Hoffman looked even more grumpy. "I'm good at football!"

"Yeah, but you don't have a six pack and the last time we did play football you smacked poor Strahm in the head with the ball!"

"He was standing in the way of the goal!"

"He was the GOALKEEPER, you twat!"

"Well, he should've been more careful..."

Amanda sighed, but before she could continue their argument three men sat down next to her.

"Oo-er, lovers tiff eh?" Zepp sniggered, taking a bite out of his hotdog.

"Why are we watching English football?" Adam asked Lawrence.

"Because Frank Lampard's playing." Adam replied dreamily.

"_Hey!_ He's mine, biatch!" Amanda glared down the row at him. "Just go for John Terry, yeh?"

"Hoffman, don't take it too harshly." Zepp grinned. "You're just not all that fit nowadays."

"Shut up." Hoffman hissed. He was beginning to wish he hadn't come on this date; it was lowering his self-esteem...

"Ooo, here they come!" Amanda squealed.

"Which one is Lampard?" Hoffman asked.

Amanda pointed. Hoffman's self-esteem dropped another few thousand feet and he prayed that Lampard wouldn't score a goal and therefore take his shirt off.

"Right, who's playing?" Amanda counted them off under her breath. "Cech, the two Coles, Drogba, Malouda, Kalou, John Terry and Lampard, of course – "

"I would be more excited if I knew who the hell these people are." Hoffman muttered.

"There's Carlo Ancelotti!" Zepp looked from Hoffman to the Chelsea manager and back again. "Man, you two looks so alike..."

"Shut up."

"_EEEEEEE LAMPARD!"_

"_Amy, remember what we said about overreacting...?"_

"_Take off your shirt! TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT!"_

"_Clearly not. Blue muffin?"_

"_Don't mind if I do!"_

Hoffman and Zepp looked behind them and were rewarded by the sight of Amy and Izzy looking like some of the aliens from Avatar, with blue Chelsea tops, denim shorts, and all-over blue body paint.

"Oh, hi Hoffman!" Amy noticed the two staring men first. "I didn't realise you supported Chelsea! You here to see Lampard too?"

"No, I got dragged here by this bitch." Hoffman nudged Amanda in the side. She punched him.

"So, what are you two doing here for?" Zepp asked, taking a muffin from Izzy.

"Amy's crazy about Chelsea..." Izzy looked at Amy. "Scratch that, she's crazy about Lampard."

"Let me guess," Hoffman scrunched up his face in mock concentration. "You're here to admire his six pack?"

"No, you fool!" Amy laughed. "His LEGS!"

"Wha...?" Hoffman looked slightly scared. "Why his _legs?_"

"They're so...muscley..." Amy started hyperventilating. Izzy handed her a paper bag.

The two teams shook hands and the referee raised his whistle to his lips.

Amy and Izzy grinned. "Let the games begin." They chorused, and screamed when the whistle blew.

A few hours later, all of them were sitting in a Chinese near the football stadium.

"THREE NIL, THREE NIL, THREE NIL THREE NIL THREE NIL!" Amy kept singing.

"Did you _see_ Lampard's six pack?" Amanda asked Hoffman. Hoffman ignored her; he was feeling really depressed right now...

"Ooo, fortune cookies!" Adam grabbed seven from a bowl and passed one to every single person on their table.

"Me first!" Amanda opened hers and read out loud. "'_You will have a very pleasant experience_'" She looked disappointed. "This must be out of date, I just had a 'very pleasant experience'; I JUST SAW LAMPARD'S ABS!"

"God..." Hoffman face palmed himself. "Shoot me now..."

"My turn!" Amy broke open her cookie. "'He_ who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at_' Ooo, _that's_ true!"

"Alright, my go next." Adam pulled out the slip of paper. "'_Your happiness is interwined with your outlook on life_'" He looked at Lawrence and smiled. "Outlook on life looks pretty good at the moment."

"Aww!" Chorused Amy and Izzy.

"Yuck." Muttered Hoffman, earning himself a sharp kick in the shins from Amanda.

"What does mine say?" Lawrence looked at his and laughed. "'_You can always find happiness in work on a Friday_' Aside from it being the last day at work for the week," He looked at Adam. "It means I have a full 48 hours with you."

"Aww!" Amy and Izzy were starting to get on Hoffman's nerves. He cracked open his own fortune cookie and read: '_He who laughs last is laughing at you_'

"That's true." Amanda commented, reading over his shoulder.

"Thanks." He growled.

"My go, my go!" Izzy discarded her cookie and whilst Amy was eating it read: "'_A secret admirer will soon send you a sign of affection_' Ooo!" She looked up excitedly. "I wonder who..."

Zepp stifled a grin and opened his cookie. '_Plan for many pleasures ahead_' He looked at Izzy who was still chatting like a monkey and smiled softly. "I already am."

No-one heard him.

"Here's a 'fortune cookie' for you," John looked round at the sheepish semi-circle of people in front of him. "He who sneaks off to watch a football game will clean up the warehouse when they get back."

"That's not a fortune I've heard of – " Lawrence started.

"SHUT UP AND GET SCRUBBING!" John left the building with Jill, who was mentally laughing at them all. They started scrubbing.

When she got the chance, Izzy scrubbed her way over to Zepp, who was suddenly very interested in the patch of floor he was working on.

"Zepp..."

"Yeah?" Zepp banged his head on the table as he 'casually' looked up and swore, which made Izzy giggle.

"Uhh...did you put that rose charm in my pocket?"

Zepp didn't know where to look. "Uh, yeah, I...thought it would look good on your bracelet."

"Aww, thanks!" Izzy gave him a hug, and then pulled back. "Listen, you wanna hang out at my house once we're done?"

Zepp shrugged, smiling. "Yeah, sure."

Izzy winked cheekily at him before standing and walking away to help Amy, who had grown tired of scrubbing and was giving herself a foam-beard.

Adam and Lawrence watched her.

"She really does like laughing at herself, doesn't she?" Lawrence commented as Amy started doing quite a good Jack Sparrow impression, complete with walk.

"Yeah..." Adam smirked.

Amanda walked past them and made her way over to Hoffman, who was scrubbing the floor so hard that his sponge was being shredded. She hunkered down next to him.

"You were seriously jealous about the whole Lampard-six-pack thing, weren't you?" She asked softly.

Hoffman threw the sponge back into the pail. "_Am_ jealous, Amanda. Present tense."

Amanda smiled and wrapped her arms round his waist. "Mark, I said he was one of the hottest footballers in the world. You're the hottest man I _know_."

Hoffman turned round and hugged her. "Really?"

"Well, apart from Johnny Depp." Hoffman pulled back and gave her a hard look. "Joke? Yeesh!"

Hoffman smirked and leaned in. "You want to have your 'pleasant experience' back at my apartment?"

Amanda kissed him. "Sounds good to me."

They left.

**Thanks to everyone for their ideas so far: JinxSaw, I'm working on fitting you in somewhere.**

**Any help on G? **


	7. G is for Ghost

**G is for Ghost**

"CA PLAN POUR MOI! CA PLAN POUR MOI! CA PLAN POUR MOI MOI MOI MOI MOI CA PLAN POUR MOI!"

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?" Amy and Hoffman abruptly stopped singing at Amanda's expression. "Amy, I thought you hated French!"

"But it's a good sooong!" Amy whinged.

"I don't care; it's from the '70s and I have a headache, so ZIP IT!" Amanda looked up crossly as their resident ghost started banging pipes against the ceiling. "_And the same goes for you!_" She massaged her head and sighed as one of the pipes missed her head by an inch.

"Zepp, I thought you'd gotten rid of that ghost ages ago!" Izzy ducked out from under Zepp's arm and glared at him.

"I couldn't find an exorcist in the Yellow Pages!" He tried to explain.

"It's a _movie_, Zepp, geez!"

"Ghosts are meant to be just for movie too!"

"So?"

"Uh...err..."

"Exactly! Fermez le bouche!"

"Don't tell me to shut up!"

"In English or French?"

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!" Amanda winced. They shut up. "How are we going to get rid of this ghost?"

"We could try talking to it." Hoffman stepped forward. "Look, uh, you're kinda pissing us all off at the moment, so can you please – " A well aimed pipe floored him. "Wow, for a dead person that ghost has good aim!"

Amanda groaned. "Please can you just SHUT UP!"

Silence.

And then –

"AAAAAAAAA!" Amanda glared up at the now empty pail – which had been filled with water. "_Get down here so I can hit you!_"

"Actually," Hoffman got to his feet. "You won't be able to punch it because – "

"Oh, shut it!" Amanda punched him instead, flooring him.

"Aww, did ickle Hoffman get hit by a girl?" Sniggered Adam, walking into the room.

"Why is he always around when something bad happens to me?" Hoffman grumbled, getting to his feet and pinching his bleeding nose.

"'Cos I have a psychic sense for that kind of thing." Adam looked up at the floating bucket and grinned. "Hey, it's the Ghost-man! High five!" The ghost obligingly brought the bucket to head height and Adam slapped it with his palm. Then he noticed everyone was staring at him. "What?"

"You..._talk_...to that ghost?" Zepp said slowly.

"Yeah," Adam looked confused. "So?"

"So? So tell it to go away!" Amanda was pissed, and she wasn't going to let anyone forget it.

"Uh, I'll try," Adam shrugged. "But you know, when you're dead and stuck all on your own, you get kinda lonely."

"Now you know how I felt!" Strahm growled. Everyone jumped. "Hello, I've been in this room for the past ten minutes and you've been acting like I'm invisible!"

"Well you were," Hoffman said. "Till now. Sadly."

"Oh, aren't you nice?" Adam said sarcastically, before turning to the ghost. "Sorry man, but you heard those guys. You've gotta go." The pail drooped. "Yeah, I know. Never mind, you can live in Hoffman's apartment instead."

"WHAT?"

"Hoffman, we _all_ practically live in your apartment. One more person breaking in and crashing on the couch while you're sleeping isn't going to make much difference."

"...You break in when I'm _asleep?_"

"No, we let ourselves in; I made copies of your house keys." Adam turned from Hoffman to the ghost. "Laters, Ghost-man."

The only sign that the ghost had left was the pail dropping on Hoffman's head. Taking it off, Hoffman threw it at Strahm – hitting him in the chest and knocking him off the table he was sitting on – and turned fuming to Adam. "So, now I have a unknown dead person floating round my apartment watching me pee?"

"Thank God, peace and quiet," Amanda sighed. "I'm off to get some aspirin." She pecked Hoffman on the lips and left.

Hoffman watched her go, confused at her mood swings, before snapping out of it. "Well?"

"Oh don't worry, he won't do that." Adam reassured him.

"Wait, how do you know it's a he?" Hoffman asked. Before Adam could reply, Izzy and Amy burst into the room wearing matching suits, sunglasses and blond quiffs.

"IF THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE, IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD, WHO YOU GONNA CALL? _GHOSTBUSTERS!_" They sang, badly.

"Dear God," Strahm groaned. "Guys, you're too late; you can stop doing Jedward now.

"Dammit!" Amy crossly chucked the pail across the room. Strahm tried to catch it and did, but then dropped it and tried to crawl after it, falling off the table in the process.

"_And Green spills the ball into the net!_" Izzy screeched – and then face-palmed herself. "God, we said we'd never speak of that again..."

"The agony..." Moaned Amy. "_The agony..._"

Hoffman sighed. "Back to my question..."

Adam shifted uncomfortably. "Uh...you're not going to like it."

"Whisper it." He did. Hoffman moaned. "Oh, shit, _no_..."

"_Thriller! Thriller, yeah!"_

"Hoffman, how much Michael Jackson do we have to listen to?"

Hoffman looked tiredly at the single glove hovering in the air. "Amanda, get the yellow pages..."

**Unless you haven't guessed, Hoffman is now being haunted by Michael Jackson. Poor man...**

**Sorry 'bout all the French, I have my speaking mock TOMORROW, so I'm a little stressed out.**

**And the Green slip? England vs. USA World Cup game. Enough said.**

**H?**


	8. H is for Haunting

**H is for Haunting**

Amanda burst into the apartment, shrieking. "I'VE FOUND AN EXORCIST! I'VE FOUND AN EXORCIST!"

Hoffman looked up tiredly from the couch he'd been trying to sleep on. "Wha?"

"I've found an exorcist!" Amanda said excitedly, kneeling on his chest. "Her name's Jinx Star, she's coming over any time now. Isn't this great."

"Well, I would be happier if you would stop cracking my ribs long enough to put some clothes on." Amanda quickly got off him and he stood, groaning slightly.

"Drama queen, the ghost hasn't been that noisy!" Amanda chuckled.

Hoffman smiled wryly. "Clearly you haven't noticed: I've started working out." He glared as Amanda collapsed laughing. "It isn't funny."

"Oh, but it is!" Amanda gasped for air, looking up at him from the floor. "You...in a gym..." She collapsed again.

"You'd better get that out of your system before Jinx Star gets here." Hoffman commented before he went into the bedroom.

"Out of system, not out of mind..." Amanda smirked, picking herself up from the floor.

A few minutes later, the doorbell rang and Amanda went to get it. "Hoffman, you'd better be decent!" She called over her shoulder as she ushered in a small teenage girl with flaming red hair and Goth make-up and clothing. She frowned as the girl moved about the room. "And you are?"

"Jinx Star." The short answer. "You were the ones that called me in, right?"

"Yeah," Amanda said slowly. "But – "

"Then there's no problem, is there?" The girl started walking slowly in a circle in the middle of the room.

"O...kay..." Amanda backed out the room, then ran down the hall and banged on the bedroom door. "Hoffman, open the fucking door!"

Hoffman stuck his head round the side of the door and glared. "What?"

"This exorcist," Amanda explained quickly. "She's...well, there's something not right."

Hoffman sighed. "Look, if she steals all our stuff, it's your fault. Now go phone someone that can actually do something about this."

He tried to close the door but Amanda jammed her foot in the way. "Hoffman," She hissed. "You're a fucking _cop_, do something useful for a change!"

Hoffman looked at her. "Sorry, rephrase that: someone who actually _cares_ enough to do something about this: you're paying for the new stuff after all."

"Am not!"

"It was your idea!" He closed the door.

"Sometimes I hate you so much." Amanda spat through the door.

"Funny," He retorted back. "That's not what you were groaning last night..."

"You...ah..._ugh!_" Amanda grabbed the phone and dialled the first number that came to her head.

"Muffin Express, you buy, we bake!"

"Amy," Amanda sighed. "This is not the time."

"Oh, it's the perfect time..." In the background Amanda could hear Izzy singing happily. _"1-0, 1-0, 1-0 1-0 1-0, COME ON ENGLAAAND!"_ "So, what's the problem?"

Amanda peeped into the sitting room: 'Jinx Star' was doing some kind of weird dance – the ghost was only joining in.

"_That's the snake, that's the bear, head to the left, step to the right, step to the left, rolling with the jungle-man spear..."_

"We found a...exorcist..." Amanda said slowly. "But...she's a bit young."

Amy suddenly sounded serious. "Describe her."

"Long red hair, too much make up, black witchy clothes," Amanda recited. "Oh, and she's doing some weird dance..."

There was a silence.

"_Up, down, left, right, left, right, left, don't you bring me down, I'm the jungle man..."_

"Amanda, don't panic, we're coming over." The phone went dead.

Amanda panicked.

She banged on the bedroom door again. Hoffman's head appeared again, looking annoyed. "_What?_"

"Hoffman," Amanda whispered. "Amy just told me not to panic."

"You're panicking."

"Hoffman, _Amy_ told me not to panic! _Amy!_"

Hoffman understood the seriousness of the situation. "Stay behind me." He said sharply, before slowly making his way to the sitting room –

And was promptly knocked down by Amy and Izzy, who hurtled into the room and jumped on 'Jinx Star'.

"Amy!" Came from the bottom of the heap.

"Ah, peanuts." Amy groaned.

"Amy, why the _hell_ didn't you tell me?" The flame-haired girl wriggled out from under the pile and beamed up at Amanda. "Hello. Where can I find Jigsaw, please?"

"I've told you before, it's _John_..." Amy sighed, before standing up. "Guys, this is Kat, John's number one stalker.

"Woo!" Cheered the ghost of Michael Jackson.

"So, can I meet him now?" Kat asked.

"No." Said Amy firmly. "You leave. Now."

"Whyyyy?"

"Because I said so. And because you'll drive him insane."

"But he already is!"

"Point. But still no."

"Oh, what harm can it do?" Izzy stood and brushed herself down. "It won't be that bad..."

"NO!"

"Okay, okay..."

"So," Hoffman gave all of them the evils. "Shouldn't you be going?"

"Na, can't be bothered." Kat flopped down on the sofa. "'Sides, Amy said you had Mariocart."

"And it all leads back to Mariocart..." Hoffman picked up a controller as Amy turned on the Wii.

**So, should Kat meet John?**

**If I don't update for a while, I'm also working on a Dr Who/Saw Crossover, so sorry in advance for that.**

**I?**


	9. I is for Illness

**I is for Illness  
(xdannixxhx, thank you. If you hadn't given me this idea, I'd've been writing about igloos. Which for some reason you don't get in the middle of July...)**

"Lawrence Gordon speaking."

"Hi Larry."

"Oh, it's you."

"Nice to be speaking to you too."

"Oh shut up Amanda. What exactly do you want; I'm at work right now! And no, Kat hasn't tried to hunt me down and get John's address out of me using the Chinese water torture."

Amanda half smiled. "Don't worry, it's definitely not that: Amy and Izzy are calming her down."

"You mean they locked her in the bathroom chained to the bathtub which has no key?"

"Yup."

"Ooo, sneaky..."

"Anyway," Amanda went on, looking nervously over her shoulder at the bedroom, where she'd just heard harsh coughing. "I need you to do a really big favour."

"Dear God," Lawrence sounded astonished. "Are you over at the warehouse? Man, I can _never_ get a good signal over there, how did you –"

Amanda took a deep breath. "I'm not over there, Lawrence. I'm at Hoffman's apartment."

There was a silence. "Bloody hell, is Mark Hoffman actually sick?"

"Yes." Amanda admitted. There was a splutter down the phone. "Lawrence, this isn't funny."

"Oh, this is great!" She sensed that he was grinning. "You'd better be torturing him, the laughs you could get out of that..."

"Lawrence! You're a doctor!"

"And he's Mark Hoffman...so, do I take it that I need to come over and check him up?"

"As long as that's not checking him _out_, that's fine."

"EWWWW! I might bring Adam along with me; we could both do with a laugh..."

"I'll let him know," Amanda smirked. "This is going to be great."

"I know – we can piss him off and he can't punch us in the face like he keeps saying he's going to do...and Amanda?"

"Yes?"

"You didn't say whether you'd be torturing him or not."

Amanda's grin became demonic. "What do you think? See you later, Lawrence.

xXx

_Drip...drip...drip..._

"Amanda, unless you're secretly Chinese, please stop dripping water on my forehead." Hoffman groaned, finding the strength to roll over and glare at her.

"What are you going to do, puke on me?" He started retching and she stood up quickly, putting her Chinese Water Torture equipment – a cup of cold water – back down.

"God..." Hoffman groaned and rubbed his forehead. "First it was slamming the doors and giving me some massive headache, and now it's this...what else have you done, invited Adam and Lawrence over to make fun of me?"

Amanda was silent. The doorbell rang. Hoffman moaned and buried his head in the pillows.

"I'll get it, shall I?" Amanda smirked. She walked out, slamming the door behind her – _"You BITCH!"_ – and opened the front door.

"Hey Amanda," Lawrence grinned at her as he walked in, followed by Adam and Zepp. "So, where's the sick bastard – no pun intended...I think...you have been torturing him like I recommended, right?"

"Yes, Doctor."

Lawrence winked at her. "Zepp didn't have very much to do, so we brought him along – we thought it would be more fun."

"_Not for me it won't be..."_ They ignored him. Amanda walked to the door and knocked – or banged – it loudly.

"Visitors!" She said cheerfully.

"_Great. I'm guessing its Adam and Lawrence."_

"Close. It's Adam, Lawrence and Zepp!"

Swearing in between coughs. Amanda cackled. "Go in and give him hell, guys."

"Oh yes," Adam cackled as all three men entered. "Let the games begin..."

xXx

"Bloody hell," Izzy blinked. "They really made you listen to Jedward non-stop?"

Amy looked up from the muffin gift basket she'd brought along with her. "You say that like it's a bad thing..."

Hoffman sighed. "Amy, you have a unique taste in music...one that no-one else has."

"Yaayyy!" Amy picked out a muffin. "Can I eat this?"

"You might as well...I can't eat anything anyway..."

"I can't believe they'd be so cruel as to strap you to the bed and then eat cake in front of you."

"And to drink all your water," Izzy added. "When you actually need it...something 'bout liquids being important."

"Yeah," Hoffman croaked, wincing. "Can you give me some, please?"

Amy sniggered through a mouthful of banana muffin (her own recipe). "You sound so much like John, it's creepy."

"Thanks." He took a sip and started sounding something close to normal again. "To be fair on them, they did give me _something_ to drink."

"They threw the glass all over you."

"Thanks for reminding me." He coughed, grabbed his throat and moaned.

"That sounded painful." Amy commented sympathetically.

"You don't say." It was clearly meant to sound sarcastic, but it didn't have the drive behind it. Amy and Izzy both stood up.

"We'll leave you to get some rest now, 'kay Hoffman?" Izzy turned to go.

"Hang in there, Mark," Amy smiled at him. "Remember, if you scream loud enough the doctors will give you something _niiice_."

"I won't even ask." He chuckled roughly.

On leaving the room, Amy turned on Amanda. "Amanda, has anyone been nice to him today?"

Amanda shuffled her feet. "Well..."

"Amanda, what exactly is the point?" Izzy crossed her arms over her chest. "I mean, I can understand it when he's well, but you can't do that when he's that sick!"

"Hear, hear." Amy hi-fived her.

"I know," Amanda sighed guiltily. "I just wanted a laugh, that's all...I guess it went too far."

"Damn right it did." Amy shrugged. "I'm just saying..."

Amanda nodded. "Ok." After showing them out Amanda walked back to Hoffman's room and entered – quietly. "Mark?" He was asleep, curled up in the foetal position on his side. He looked peaceful, and again Amanda felt a twinge of guilt: it had definitely gone too far.

"Sorry, Mark." She whispered, leaning over to brush a lock of hair out of his face.

She didn't see his smirk...

xXx

"Amanda? Don't worry, I only forgot my coat – "

"_AAAAA!_" Amanda stormed out of the room, covered in sick and glared at Amy. "That bastard. Is going. To die."

"Love you too, 'Manda!" Hoffman cackled as she stormed into the bathroom.

**Moral: Never piss Mark Hoffman off, especially if he's sick.**

**Sorry I haven't updated for so long, will try to do better.**


	10. J is for Jobs

**J is for Jobs**

"_Hey Lawrence!"_

"Uhh...hi Adam. Listen, about tonight..."

Lawrence heard Adam groan down the phone. _"Aww maan, you're working late AGAIN?"_

Lawrence leaned back in the swivel chair behind his desk. "Looks like it, the hospital's been pretty busy recently."

"_But it's been so BORING since Hoffman got better: he won't even let us on Mariocart just 'cos of that little matter of the 'Cake Torment' thing..."_

"Sorry about that, man." Lawrence heard a knock on his door, muttered a quick "Gotta go, see you later." and opened the door. "What?"

"Ah, Dr Gordon." A nurse smiled brightly at him. "A girl's down on the second floor with sprained ligaments, can you come down and help us out?"

"Why do I need to help?" Lawrence scowled. "I'm not even in that department!"

"Well, she doesn't like Zepp very much...he isn't helping with her fear of hospitals very much."

"I can imagine." Lawrence made his way downstairs and went to the room indicated by the nurse – just in time to see Zepp jumping out of a cupboard with a sheet over his head. The girl screamed.

"Zepp, get the fuck out of here." Lawrence glared as Zepp tripped over the edge of his sheet.

"But I'm trying to make her laugh!" Zepp whined.

"OUT." Zepp left, muttering to himself.

Lawrence turned back to the girl. "Sorry about that, he gets a bit...mad sometimes."

The girl laughed. "Oh, don't worry: Aims gets like that all the time."

"Aims?" Lawrence face palmed. "You don't know Amy, do you?"

"Hell yeah I do!" She looked him up and down. "And I don't remember her saying she knew a fit guy..."

_Oh, dear Lord._ Lawrence tried to ignore the fact she was checking him out. "Ok, you're mum should be here soon, so – "

"You going out with anyone?" She interrupted him.

"Uhh..." Lawrence sensed an awkward moment coming up. "Actually, I'm – "

And then Hoffman came in. For once in his life, Lawrence was actually glad to see the detective. He had a fat lip and there was murder in his eyes. "Lawrence, is Zepp on duty right now?"

Lawrence shrugged. "He was in here a few minutes ago, but I don't know where he went after that. Why do you want to see him?"

"The bastard told Amanda I was cheating on her for a laugh...she hit he in the face with some fucking massive saucepan, I don't even remember owning that thing!" He then noticed the girl, and suddenly grinned in what was clearly meant to be a sexy way. "Why hello..."

"And Zepp was lying, was he?" Lawrence said sarcastically.

Hoffman ignored him. "So, what's your name?"

"Shannon." The girl replied. "And are you trying to hit on me or something?"

"Uhh...no?"

"Good, 'cos I'm sorry but I don't care what Amy says, you're fugly."

"OHHHHH, REJECTED!" Zepp stuck his head round the door, laughing. "Hoffman, you aren't very good at picking up woman are you? Although the way you're going, you'd probably have a heart attack trying – "

"ZEPP HINDLE, GET YOUR ARSE OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!" Seeing the look on Hoffman's face, Zepp sprinted from the room, Hoffman hot on his heels.

"Sooo..." Shannon fluttered her eyelashes at him. "Are you dating any girls?"

"Uhh, not really," Lawrence heard a crash in the hall and some muffled swearing – Hoffman had caught up with Zepp. "You see, I'm – "

"Ahh, that's good." Shannon smiled brightly and reached for her crutches. She tried to get up and fell over. "FUCK...how the hell do you use these things?"

"Here, let me help you." Lawrence stood up and bent over to help her up, and two things happened at that point.

One: She kissed him.

And Two: Adam walked in.

The two men stared at each other in silence, and then –

"LAWRENCE, GORDON, YOU ARSEHEAD!" Adam slapped Lawrence round the face.

"Adam, it's not what it looks like – " Lawrence started, and then Adam slapped him again.

Zepp and Hoffman peeped round the door. "Hey, uhh...what's going on?" Hoffman asked, looking confused.

"That bastard over there," Adam pointed at Lawrence. "Just cheated on me."

"Wait a sec," Shannon turned to Lawrence. "You're _gay?_"

"Yes!" Adam crossed his arms across his chest. "And he just happens to be _my_ boyfriend!"

"Ohh," Light dawned on Shannon's face. "Yeah, Amy did say something about there being a gay couple...she thought you're good for each other by the way."

"Yeah...well..." Adam gave up being angry and helped Lawrence up. "Sorry, man."

"Yeah, no problem. Anyway, why are you here?"

"Looks like the show's over." Zepp commented. And dived for the door, closely followed by Hoffman again.

Adam looked sheepish. "Well, I know you work overtime loads, and...I don't like being away from you. I came here to help out so you can get home quicker."

Lawrence smiled and tousled his hair. "You idiot. Well, I suppose most of the paperwork can wait till tomorrow."

"Cool." As the two men walked out of the room, Shannon stood up with a bit of difficulty.

"Uhh...what about me?"

"Don't worry," Adam said as he closed the door. "We called some of your friends too..."

The door remained closed for about two seconds before two people cart wheeled in wearing Jedward quiffs and matching suits. "ICE ICE BABY!"

"Oh my God." Shannon smacked her head against the wall.

"Hey Shaz, wazzup?" Kat asked cheerfully. "Hey, guess who I met?"

"Kat," Amy took of her aviator sunglasses. "I let you out of the bathroom for good behaviour, don't ruin this."

"Guys, what about me?" Izzy walked in looking upset. "You didn't leave me a costume!"

"Sorry Izzy, Shaz doesn't really know you." Kat grinned. "You wanna see our routine to 'Under Pressure'?"

"I hate hospitals." Shannon pulled the covers of the bed over her head.

**I did promise myself not to put any more of my friends in this, but my friend really did sprain ligaments in her leg etc, so she needs a laugh. Get better soon, Shaz!**


	11. K is for Kiss

**K is for Kiss**

"Hoffman, get off the laptop."

"No."

"For God's sake, I've got work to do!"

"Well, so do I.

"You're updating your Facebook status!"

"It's important to keep up-to-date and have some kind of social life."

"You only have 20 friends, most of which are us...anyway, just get off."

"Or what?"

"I'll tell John on you."

"...You wouldn't."

"Try me."

Hoffman hastily logged off and with a sigh of relief Lawrence started to type in his password – and then it turned off. Along with all the lights.

Power cut.

"YAAAAA!" Lawrence stood up and tripped over the screaming form on the floor. _"Hoffman, you idiot!"_

"What? I'm scared of the dark!"

"Pussy."

"Am not!"

"Are so!" Lawrence groped at the wall and dragged himself upright. "God Detective, get a grip!"

"BOO!" Amanda turned on her torch and and shouted right in his face. Lawrence screamed and tripped over Hoffman again. "Pussys." She commented as she wandered over to Hoffman and pulled him upright. He was smirking and she slapped him gently round the face. "Yes, Hoffman, it is dark. And, no, I don't want to do anything with you."

"WA-HEYYY!" Zepp said loudly as he and Adam in. "What the hell happened in here? Did Hoffman muck up the electricity again?"

"No," Hoffman glared at them. "And where have you been?"

"We were giving Amy and Izzy a ride home," Adam shrugged. "After Lampard got that hernia, they haven't been exactly themselves for ages."

"C'mon, wearing black all the time is over the top." Hoffman snorted.

"Well, he is a pretty fit guy..." Amanda winced as Hoffman rounded on her. "Sorry, I forgot the 'No-talking-about-guys-fitter-than-you' rule."

"It's not a rule!" Hoffman protested as the three other men cracked up laughing.

"Oh please," Amanda scoffed. "Johnny Depp, Frank Lampard, Orlando Bloom...you have serious self-esteem issues." Seeing his hurt look, she changed the subject. "Speaking of which, when did you guys get a girl to think you were so sexy they'd kiss you?"

"Is that a roundabout way of asking how our first kisses went?" Adam asked.

"_My first kiss went a lil' like this, mwah, and twist, mwah mwah and twist._" Zepp sniggered and sat down on the floor. "Oooh, this could be fun..." Lawrence and Adam looked at each other, shrugged and sat down along with Amanda and Hoffman. Hey, it was a way to pass the time.

"Right, my first kiss," Zepp started. "Was with Addison Corday."

"What, the one in the Nerve-Gas House?" Amanda was surprised.

Zepp winked. "I went around a lot, if ya know what I mean."

"Yeah, I think I do." Lawrence muttered.

Zepp chuckled softly and leaned against the wall behind him. "God, I had magic with the bitches – pretty much all of them know my name: you say the name 'Zepp Hindle' to 'em – "

"OK, OK," Adam said quickly. "Too much, too soon!"

"...What we say in this room stays in this room, right?" Zepp said quickly. "Cos Izzy will KILL me if she finds out..."

"Don't worry," Amanda assured him. "NO-ONE (with a pointed look at Hoffman) will be saying anything."

"My first kiss," Lawrence admitted. "Was with Alison. It wasn't that I never liked anyone before her, but nobody quite _like_ her...well, until I met Adam." He smiled at him, and Hoffman rolled his eyes. Amanda elbowed him in the ribs.

"Mine was with some random blond in an alley after some college party." Adam shrugged. "I was pretty stoned at the time, so I don't remember the full details."

"Full details of what?" They all jumped as Jill materialised behind them.

"Adam was telling us about his first kiss." Zepp grinned wickedly. "Want to share with the group."

"Huh." Jill thought hard. "I think it was with some guy I'd met at a party. Can't remember the details, totally stoned...it was in an alley, I think, near some dumpsters." She shook her head thoughtfully and walked away.

Adam retched.

"So, Amanda..." Lawrence quickly changed the subject. "Your first kiss?"

Amanda looked sheepish. "Well...I kinda went around a lot, so I can't really remember when my first kiss was."

Hoffman looked at her. "So, when you said you'd only had one boyfriend apart from me – "

"One _proper_ boyfriend," Amanda corrected him. "Besides, you never wanted a specific number."

"I'd quite like to know now thanks, if you can 'remember'..."

"Oi, Hoffman, you're not in the interrogation room right now!" Adam cut in. "And you haven't told us your first kiss story yet!"

Hoffman winced. "I don't think you want to know."

"Oooh, he's squirming!" Zepp grinned. "What did you do, Detective?"

"Not saying."

Amanda crossed her arms over her chest. "Mark Hoffman – "

"Am I interrupting something here?" Everyone – apart from Hoffman – looked up as Strahm suddenly appeared.

"Hey Strahm," Amanda grinned at him. "Nothing much, just finding out when Hoffman's first kiss was – he's not saying anything though."

Strahm stopped smiling. "Ah." He looked at Hoffman. "So you didn't tell her then?"

"Tell me what?"

"Strahm..." Hoffman warned.

"Well, they're gonna find out at some time!" Strahm shuffled from foot to foot, looking at a very interesting patch of concrete on the floor. "Well, in high school, Mark and I were a bit...curious..."

Zepp, Lawrence and Adam looked at him, then Hoffman, then back again. And howled.

"Oh...my...God..." Adam finally managed to say, tears of laughter in his eyes. "You...Hoffman..." He couldn't say anything else.

Hoffman was making sure that he was looking anywhere but at Amanda.

"You..." She stood up abruptly.

"Amanda – "

"You've just made me look like a complete idiot!"

Hoffman stood up too. "And I suppose lying to me doesn't make me look like one too? Amanda, so I kissed a boy, so what?"

"I KISSED A BOY AND I LIKED – "

"_Shut up Zepp!"_

Amanda shook her head. "Anything else you want to admit to me?"

"Amanda, you're going completely over the top on this!"

"Is that how you see me? 'Over The Top'?"

"Well, I never saw you as a slut either."

There was a deathly silence.

"We're through, Mark." Amanda said coldly before taking her torch and stalking out the room.

"Fine by me." Hoffman yelled after her before walking out the room. They listened to him crashing and swearing through the dark away from them, then –

"Anyone for spin the bottle?" Adam asked.

**Chapter L coming soon...all Wicked fans will love!**


	12. L is for Loathing

**This chapter is dedicated to Elilives4ever – for all those times on Facebook sing-typing Wicked songs.**

**L is for Loathing**

"_You_ _*whack* kissed *whack* Addison *whack* and *whack*and had *whack* 'MAGIC WITH THE BITCHES?_" The last was followed by such a hard punch that Zepp went flying backwards – when Izzy got angry, she got _angry_.

"I bet he's regretting paying for her karate lessons now." Amy smirked.

"Hmph." Hoffman grunted non-communally, gaze fixed on the part of the trap in front of him. Amy sighed and facepalmed. Amanda was working on the other side, hidden by the mesh of metal standing in between them. It was amazing how they could work without communicating, but the tension was driving everyone insane.

"Amy, wassup?" Lawrence handed Amy a cup of chai – she hated coffee for reasons unknown – and took a gulp from his bitter black cup.

"I. Am. Going. Insane." Jill growled quietly. Lawrence and Amy glanced at each other, then herded her quickly into a corner. Away from the frigid silence, the room suddenly felt a few degrees warmer.

"Those two have got to make up," Jill hissed. "Or I'm locking them up together in the bathroom."

Lawrence sighed. "Trust me, we've tried. But they're both so bloody stubborn..."

"What Lawrence means is neither of them will admit they were wrong," Amy continued. "And while they're not talking the situation is getting worse and worse."

"Why the serious tone? I thought Lampard was fit to play again." Adam and John suddenly appeared behind them.

"Yes, I would be happy about that if those two," Amy pointed. "Weren't ruining my happy time."

"Hey, me and Izzy are cool now!"

"Not you, Zepp."

Zepp limped over to them, being supported by a guilty looking Izzy. "I may have internal bleeding." He groaned.

John looked round sharply at a metallic groaning noise. "Not as bad as Amanda's going to have..."

There was a crash as the whole contraption fell practically on top of Amanda, who'd jumped back in the nick of time.

"You jerk!" She yelled. "You did that on purpose!"

_Here we go..._thought everyone else in the room.

"Well, I'm sorry for the lack of communication." Hoffman said sarcastically, crossing his arms over his chest.

"You weren't exactly trying." Amanda spat at him, kneeling down to pick up the metal pieces scattered on the floor.

"Neither were you!"

"And that makes it MY – "

"STOP IT!" At John's commanding tone both of them shut up. "Honestly, what is wrong with you two?"

"Many things." Hoffman replied, not taking his eyes off Amanda.

"Mostly to do with him." Amanda glared right back.

"I don't care," John looked at both of them hard. "Just do something about this.

Silence. Then –

"_What is this feeling so sudden and new?"_ Amanda started off.

"Oh, no." Izzy groaned.

"This sounds familiar..." Amy grinned.

"_I felt the moment I laid eyes on you."_ Hoffman returned sharply.

"Can you believe the guy can actually sing?" Zepp whispered to Adam.

"_My pulse is rushing – "_

"_My head is reeling – "_

"_My face is flushing – "_

"_**What is this feeling?"**_ They sang together. _**"Fervid as a flame, does it have a name? Yeesss..."**_

"Love, love, love." Lawrence pleaded under his breath.

"_Loathing! Unadulterated loathing!"_

"Damn!"

"_For your face – "_

"_Your voice – "_

"_Your clothing."_

"_**Let's just say I loathe it all!"**_

"I never really liked his face anyway." Jill shrugged.

"Ssh!" Amy hissed. "You're ruining the musical!"

"You call this a MUSICAL?"

"SHH!"

"_**Every little trait however small, makes my very flesh start to crawl, with simple utter loathing. There's a strange exhilaration with such total detestation, it's so pure so strong! Though I do believe it came on fast, still I do believe that it can last, and I will be loathing, loathing you my whole life long."**_

"God, no, not that!" Lawrence moaned.

"Aww, c'mon!" Amy complained when she'd realised they'd stopped. "That's not even the whole song!"

"I'm no Kerry Ellis!" Hoffman protested.

"Dead right, moron." Amanda laughed, linking her hand through his. "Look, I'm sorry I lied to you – I just wanted to put everything behind me."

"So did I, funnily enough."

"What have I missed?" Strahm crashed in – late, as always – and tripped over his own feet. They stared at him for a moment before going back to the matter in hand.

"So," Hoffman offered. "Call it quits?"

Amanda hugged him. "Yeah, ok."

He smiled and hugged her back. "Sorry about calling you a slut by the way."

"No problem – I was sort of back then anyway."

"Aww," Amy and Izzy chorused. "So...cute..."

"_Who can say if I've been changed for the better – "_

"SHUT IT, STRAHM!" Strahm screamed and ran round the room, being chased by an irate Amanda and Hoffman.

"Isn't life wonderful?" Izzy asked Amy.


	13. M is for Missing

**M is for Missing**

"Amy...I've got some bad news?"

"What?"

"You can't go as John this year."

"WHAT?"

"No, John, not you – the John from Jedward."

"Oh...right." John silently kicked himself as Amy turned back to Izzy, looking upset. "Whhyyyyy?"

The answer burst in. "Hey guys, what's – " Kat, resplendent in quiff and red suit, looked sheepish as Amy looked her up and down. "Oh...hi Aims."

"You stole my Jedward costume?" Amy squeaked. "But we've only got five minutes before we go trick or treating!"

"Sorry Amy," Izzy hugged her. "But you could always go as Lampard!"

"Bagsied by Lauren," Kat reminded her. "She's more into him than Amy is!"

Amy wailed. "If only someone had told me, I could've done my papier mache muffin costume!"

"Well, you should've thought of that before."

"Shut up, John. You're not even dressed up!"

John raised his eyebrows. "I don't need to – I thought you knew that by now. Now, go and find something different."

"But I can't think of anything!"

"Use your vivid and slightly disturbing imagination."

Amy stormed out just as Amanda walked in, wearing a cat woman costume. "Amy having last minute problems?" She asked John.

"Put it this way: two's company, three's a crowd."

"Oh...or in the case of Jedward, two's torture, three's worse than death."

"Precisely." They smiled at each other whilst Kat and Izzy glared at them. Then –

"Ok guys, let's do this." Lawrence, Adam, Zepp and Hoffman trooped in wearing Take That tribute costumes. Hoffman didn't look very happy about this, but he brightened up pretty noticeably when he saw Amanda's costume.

"That's...interesting." John said slowly. "Isn't there meant to be a fifth one?"

Zepp shrugged. "Robbie cheated on us, so we feel he is no longer part of the group."

"O...k?"

"I'm Gary Barlow!" Lawrence chipped in.

Hoffman glared at him. "How come _you_ get to be Gary Barlow?"

"I have blond hair."

"So?"

"He has blond hair."

Amanda sighed. "Don't start you two...and Hoffman, STOP OGLING ME!" He stopped.

Jill groaned and facepalmed when she walked in and saw everyone else in their costumes. "I _knew_ October the 30th was something important..."

"Jill, go and get dressed up." John told her.

"I can't – I don't have anything!"

Kat scoffed. "Yeah right. Come on, Amy didn't have anything and she's gone to try to get something ready?"

"Speaking of which," Izzy looked worried. "Where is she?"

"She can't have gone far." Zepp reassured her. "She can't go missing that quickly."

As if to demonstrate a point, Amy walked in – and Izzy and Kat burst out laughing. She was wearing Hoffman's discarded work clothes and a brown floppy wig.

"What the hell are you meant to be?" Zepp asked, looking confused.

"Isn't it obvious?" Amy beamed. "I'm Hoffman."

Light dawned for everyone else and they cracked up laughing, apart from Hoffman.

"Oh cheer up," Amanda patted him on the shoulder, still shaking with laughter. "It's only one day a year." Hoffman grunted, still looking annoyed.

"Ok, we're going to the cinema first so we'd better get going." John said as the hilarity went down.

"What're we watching?"

"Saw 3D," This was met with a chorus of groans. "Calm down everyone, we know that the series isn't a very accurate version of events – I disagree with the fact that I die – but it'll be interesting to see how it ends."

"I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm not dead yet," Lawrence commented as they walked out. "Any bets?"

"I don't think that's ever gonna happen," Hoffman smirked. "I'd put £50 on it."

He ended up paying a lot of money that night.

**Sorry if it seemed rushed, but...it was: only started it twenty minutes before I went out as Jigsaw's Little Helper, and I spent a lot of half term on Mind Games. Still, HAPPY HALOWEEN! **


	14. N is for Na

**N is for Na**

"Can someone please explain to me," Hoffman muttered darkly. "Why I can't help set up and set off the fireworks?"

"Now now, Hoffman," Zepp sniggered. "Little children can't play with fireworks."

"I'm not a child; I'm a fully grown man!"

"With the mentality age of six."

"_I'm playing with fire, woooahhh!"_

"Amanda, tell Hoffman to stop stealing my songs!" Amy whined. Amanda patted her sympathetically on the head. "Don't touch the hair." Hoffman grinned and started ruffling it.

"Seriously, don't," Izzy warned him. "She'll bite your hand off." He stopped and held onto his hand warily.

There was a spark and the bonfire burst into flames. "Okay, that's everything!" Strahm called to Zepp as he made his way back to the others. John suddenly appeared, arms folded, and he winced.

"Hello, Strahm," John said coldly.

"Umm...hi?"

"You've been avoiding me."

"What gave you that impression?"

"Why didn't you turn up on Halloween?"

Strahm shuffled nervously. "I don't...dress up."

"Some people would call you sane – I call you a killjoy."

"Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom JEDWARD JEDWARD nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom JEDWARD JEDWARD..." They turned back round to see Amy and Kat – who had just turned up – doing a rendition of the Amy Shuffle round the bonfire chanting. They looked at Izzy and she shrugged. "Don't ask me..."

"So, who brought the sparklers?" Hoffman asked brightly.

"Here you go." Zepp said sweetly, handing him one. "...But remember, you've got to hold it at arm's length – " Adam jumped out of the shadows and thrust Hoffman away from him, holding onto his shoulders. " – In a gloved hand – " Adam produced a pair of gloves with cakes on – _"__MY __MUFFIN GLOVES!" "Ssh, Amy!" _" – And place afterwards in a bucket of cold water." Lawrence tipped a bucket of water over Hoffman's head. The three of them cackled wickedly as Hoffman stood there dripping and glaring in equal measure.

"I. HATE. You."

Adam winked. "Don't we all know it?"

"Go for a swim?" Jill sniggered as she joined the group holding McDonalds carrier bags. "Ok, let's see if I've got this right: with fries and a muffin as standard – apart from Adam, Zepp and Lawrence who have chicken nuggets instead of fries – Amy, Strahm and Amanda have Big Macs, Zepp, Izzy and Lawrence have Filet-O-Fish, Adam and Lawrence got double cheeseburger, John and I got a quarter pounder, and Hoffman got a Happy Meal." They all turned to the detective, who flushed. "...I like the toys, is all."

"Like I said, mentality of a six year old." Zepp rolled his eyes.

A few minutes later all of them were sitting on the ground eating their food and watching the fireworks go off, ooh-ing and aah-ing as they did.

"Ahh, Na," Lawrence said knowledgably when a particularly nice gold firework went off.

"Wha?" Amy asked with her mouth full. "I 'ake 'hemist'y an' I 'ain' her' 'hat!"

"She takes chemistry and she hasn't heard that before." Adam clicked his tongue, taking a bite of his burger. "'Onestly 'my, don' 'alk wit' your 'outh 'ull."

Lawrence shook his head at the two of them. "Na is the chemical symbol for sodium." Blank looks all round. "In fireworks sodium imparts a gold or yellow colour to fireworks; however, the colour is often so bright that it frequently masks other, less intense colours."

"Totally copied word for word from Wikipedia." Zepp said after a short pause. Lawrence glared at him. "So?"

"Aww," Adam swallowed and pointed at Amanda and Hoffman; Amanda had got a towel and they were both wrapped in it, sharing Amanda's fries as Hoffman's had gone 'mysteriously missing' after an 'owl flew down and stole them'. And now Amy could have sworn that John had finished his fries ages ago but suddenly had loads more. "That's so cuute."

"Yeah, you've gotta be at least slightly happy for the fat lump." Adam elbowed Lawrence and Lawrence laughed and pulled him into a hug.

Suddenly there was the snap of a twig breaking and Hoffman looked sharply behind him to see a young girl looking right back. She squeaked and ran off.

"Who the hell – " He started.

"Oh, that'll be Danni," Amy waved her hand dismissively as she started unwrapping her muffin. "She said she'd stop by later."

"How many friends do you have?"

"Many, 'cos I'm _popular, I know about popu-u-lar – "_

Izzy sighed as everyone else joined in. "Great – more Wicked."

**Big shouts out to Elilivesforever and xdannixxhx – you are awesome people and I'm really grateful for everything: thanks guys! Not saying that everyone else isn't awesome either – it's just that we obsess over Costas Mandylor/Wicked over Facebook more than I've done with anyone else. Next chapter coming soon!**


	15. O is for Open

**O is for Open**

"WOOOOOOOO!"

"Is the ghost of Michael Jackson back again?" Hoffman grabbed a baseball bat and looked around suspiciously. Suddenly someone jumped on him and hugged him.

"I'M FIFTEEEEEENN!" Amy shrieked happily.

"Can't...breathe..." Hoffman choked.

"Put him down Amy, you don't know where he's been." Izzy gingerly eased Amy's arms away from Hoffman, you gasped gratefully.

"But it's my birthday," Amy turned on her. "Anyways, did you get me a present?"

"You're asking for your presents now?" John looked at her sternly as he stepped out of the shadows. "I've got half a mind not to give you your birthday present for that."

Amy grovelled on the floor. "Plleeeeaaaassseee John, I've been good most of the time and that water bomb was NOT my fault it was only my idea...uhh...plleeeeeeeaaaaaassssseeee..."

John sighed. "Fine, you silly child." He took out the package. "Honestly, the youth of today – "

"Rule. Thank youuuu!" Amy ripped off the wrapping and her eyes widened. "Oh my God, MUFFIN PLUSHHIIIIIEEEEE!" She hugged him. "Aww, I knew your DT skills would be good one day."

"And they're not already?"

"...You can't kill me on my birthday, that's just unfair!"

"Fine, I'll wait a few more hours." John grinned at Amy's scared look. "Anyway, we're holding a baseball match outside since it's your self-proclaimed birthday – AND HOFFMAN YOU'RE PLAYING TOO!" He bellowed after the fast disappearing figure of said-detective. Hoffman grumbled but allowed himself to be dragged outside where everyone was waiting. A boy and a girl who were unfamiliar to all of them were standing near the edge, and Amy and Izzy beamed.

"Ricky! You flew out from Australia."

"Yep, and now I have no money. I'd better win; otherwise it'll have been a wasted journey." He joked, high fiving her.

"Umm...hi?" The other girl – Allana – waved a hand in Amy's face. "I'm here too, ya know."

"Don't worry; I'm sure at least some of her limited brain cells have acknowledged your presence." Zepp shrugged. "Teams?"

And guess who were leaders?

"You're going down, bitch!" Strahm snarled.

"I didn't even WANT to play, but since you're so keen..." Hoffman glared at him.

Amy and Kat did the Awkward Turtle. "Awkward." They mouthed.

So in the end Hoffman's team included Lawrence, Ricky, Izzy, Amanda, Zepp and Adam, and Strahm's team consisted of Jill, John, Amy, Allana, Kat and...

"I THOUGHT WE GOT RID OF HIM!" Hoffman stared in furious disbelief at the hovering white glove brandishing a baseball bat and wearing a red cap.

Kat shrugged. "Numbers were unequal, so I asked him along."

'Thriller' played subtly in the background as per the ghost's request.

Allana grabbed a coin and held it up. "Hoffman?"

"Heads."

Allana flipped it. "Tails. Sorry, Hoff."

"Typical." He muttered as Strahm whooped.

Strahm chose fielding first and the team spread out. Kat started off bowling, but after nearly hitting Zepp like a toilet coverwhen he'd been over a metre away from where Lawrence was batting, she reluctantly swapped with Strahm after a lot of hysterical shrieking from Izzy. After being assured that Zepp hadn't been she calmed down and the game went on.

Surprisingly Hoffman was actually pretty good at baseball. He hit the ball way out of the circle and was just rounding the third base when suddenly he seemed to trip.

"YOU!" He growled as he saw a before unnoticed white glove holding onto his ankle.

"OUT!" Jill cheered as she tapped fourth base lightly with the ball.

"That's not fair, Michael Jackson tripped me up!" Hoffman protested.

The white glove whistled innocently. Hoffman stormed off with Strahm laughing at him.

After the first innings they swapped. John was first up to bat and Hoffman laughed. "Good luck, old guy!" He called as he threw the ball. John then hit the ball so hard that it went right over the fence and ran round all four bases with a speed Edward Cullen would have been proud of.

"I coached baseball," John smirked as Hoffman went pale. "I'm not forgetting the 'old guy' comment, Hoffman. When you least expect it..."

Hoffman gulped.

Inevitably his team lost – despite very acrobatic fielding from Zepp, Adam and Lawrence – and with threats to find a proper exorcist for Michael Jackson (Hoffman) and the eating of celebratory muffins for Strahm's team (triple chocolate) Amy's birthday celebrations came to an end.

Although she had a lot of explaining to do when she found a tiny jigsaw piece stitched to the underside of her muffin plushie...

**Yesterday – 16****th**** November – was my birthday: no muffin plushie this year (iPod nearly made up for it) but one day...**


	16. P is for Pregnant

**P is for Pregnant**

**(I can't remember who suggested this to me, but thank you anyway!)**

"Guys, I'm in trouble."

Silence. Hoffman glared round the room as the other men just kept drinking their beer. Honestly, they were over at his apartment for an emergency meeting and all they could do was keep on drinking. It could have been the start of a nuclear war for all they knew! "I'm serious! It's to do with Amanda."

Adam rolled onto his belly on the couch and lazily opened one eye. "Finally recognised that you're out of your depth?"

"...Something like that."

Strahm smirked. "So what is it then? She's back on drugs?"

"No!"

"You're back on the alcohol and you don't want her to know?"

"No!" Hoffman looked down and the near empty beer can. "Alright, maybe that too."

"Ooo, so it's so serious that you're drinking again?" Strahm chuckled, sipping from his can. "God what did you do, make her pregnant?"

The silence said everything. Strahm swallowed hard. "You're joking right? Please tell me you're joking. I mean, I can't really tell because your jokes are really not funny and kinda sick and twisted, but this one – "

"Strahm, shut up and get me some more crushed ice." Zepp said calmly. Strahm squeaked and ran out the room while everyone else turned to stare at Zepp.

"You," Hoffman growled. "Just stole my joke."

"Well as a man who still doesn't know how to use a condom I don't think you qualify for that right anymore. Actually...wasn't it you who thought the condom Adam and Lawrence used was a part balloon?"

"Actually, hold on a sec..." Adam craned his head over the sofa and peered into the bin. "FUCK IT'S STILL THERE! Geez man, don't you clear out your rubbish?"

Hoffman cleared his throat. "Actually that's mine."

"Say what?" Adam sprang up and ran into the kitchen, knocking over Strahm who had just come back with the crushed ice. He returned wearing a yellow washing up glove, which he plunged into the bin and brought out the condom.

Lawrence shook his head. "Adam sweetie, I'm really not in the mood right now..."

"Actually I'm not talking about that, maybe later."

Hoffman coughed. "Moving on...what are you trying to do with that?"

"Strahm, bring that ice over." Adam ignored him.

Strahm scratched his head. "Ahh, Hoffman your fridge is broken, so it's just water."

Adam waved a hand. "Oh don't worry, we did a switch ages ago."

Hoffman was apocalyptic. "_You stole my fridge?_ How?"

Adam smiled at Lawrence. "Aww, don't you just love the fact that he forgets we all practically live here?" He turned back to Hoffman. "Now, is this the condom that you and Amanda used most recently before the test?"

"Uhh...I think so?"

"Good. Strahm, water in the condom." As Strahm poured, Adam explained. "You see, if there is a hole water will fall out, therefore you will have fucked up your life and your face."

"Why my face?"

"We all know it's bad enough already, but when John finds out about this he's going to go mental, as you clearly know as if you were clueless then you would've actually invited him."

Hoffman was impressed. "Wow, you're good."

"Well, I did consider joining the police before getting my hands on a decent – " He caught Lawrence's smirk. "Camera, I was about to say camera, JESUS!"

There was a tense silence where time almost seemed to stand still, and then –

_Drip._

"OH MY GOD!" Strahm shrieked.

Hoffman collapsed on the sofa. "You sure that some of the water didn't just go over the side?"

Adam checked. "Nope, it's dry – you've really gone and done it now Hoffish."

Lawrence patted Hoffman on the shoulder as he stared into space. "Cheer up, it's only for the next nine months...besides, I'm a doctor so I can help."

"Blimey, do you specialise in any actual subject? 'Cos you seem to be doing everything!" Adam glared over at Zepp who was giggling childishly. "In medical terms, IN MEDICAL TERMS!"

Hoffman grabbed another beer.

xXx

"More drinks! MORE DRINKS!"

"My pocket money won't last much longer!" Amy moaned, sliding a carton of orange juice under the cubicle door.

"You can buy a muffin later Amy," Jill sympathised. "Right now we have more important problems." She caught on to why Amy and Izzy were sniggering and glared. "Oh, grow up!"

"We're teenagers," Izzy smirked. "We've got another couple of years to go till full maturity occurs."

"Is that why you still write such immature stuff on...FanFiction?"

"Yes." They chorused.

"Alright, I got the second test. You know, in case the first was wrong..." John edged his way into the girls' loos, looking uncomfortable and rightly so due to the circumstances. "I really don't like being here...it's too...feminine..."

"You don't have to be." Jill reminded him.

"True," He mumbled. "But Amanda is my apprentice, and the guys dropped me out of their meeting."

Jill stared. "You read their emails now?"

"No. I just happened to...glance over."

"You are so paranoid!"

"And this time with good reason!"

"Alright guys, no more drinks!" Amanda's head and hand appeared over the top of the door. She frowned when she saw John. "What the hell are you doing in here?"

John waved the test. "Umm...I..."

Jill rolled her eyes. "Didn't mean you had to come _in_!" She snatched the test. "Get out – we can handle it from here." John was happy to comply.

There was an awkward silence. "Umm...do we have to stay here and listen to her pee?" Amy said awkwardly.

"Well, plug in your iPod and listen to those terrible people who call themselves singers." Amanda snapped.

"Jedward," Amy said haughtily. "Are not terrible singers." She pulled out the iPod and offered a headphone to Izzy. Within seconds they were caterwauling at the tops of their voices.

"_Say it ain't so, I will not go, turn the lights off, carry me nana nana nana na na na na..."_

"Worst cover of a Blink 182 song EVER!" Amanda growled, stalking out of the toilet holding the stick.

"How long till we know for sure?" Jill asked softly.

"About a minute." Amanda stared into the mirror above the sink, ignoring the raucous singing. "You know, I was thinking...it wouldn't really be so bad if I was."

Jill stared. "You sure?"

Amanda nodded. "Yes. I mean, nine months is going to be a drag but I'm strangely excited at the prospect of being a mum." She caught Jill's pained smile. "Oh God, I'm so sorry, I really shouldn't be talking about this..."

"It's ok." Jill gave her a hug. "You ever need any help, just give me a call; it'll be worth it, trust me."

"Thanks." Amanda broke the hug and checked the stick. "Fuck, it's ready..."

Amy and Izzy stopped singing and scrambled over to see the results. They peered at it in silence.

"I don't know whether to laugh or cry." Amanda said at last.

"...Does this mean that you're NOT pregnant?" Izzy asked.

"Looks like it. I'd better ring Hoffman, put him out of his misery..." She flipped open her phone and frowned. "Damn, no battery." She slipped it back into her pocket and made for the door. "C'mon, we might as well get lunch while we're here; I've drunk enough, now let's eat!"

xXx

"Are you going to keep it?" Strahm asked, seemingly sympathetic for his enemy.

Hoffman rubbed his eyes. He'd decided against getting drunk as he'd discovered from earlier experiences that it only made things worse, but he was starting to wish that he didn't have to think about this situation anymore. "I don't know...maybe."

Lawrence rolled his eyes. "God, get a grip man; it's yes or no, you can't seriously say 'maybe' to this type of question!"

"But I don't know! I mean, I'll keep it if she wants it, but I don't think I'm ready to be a dad."

"Go for it." Strahm raised his eyebrows at the shocked expressions people were throwing at him. "What? Look Hoffman, I know we have our differences, but I really do think you'd make a good dad."

Hoffman stared. "Are you seriously complementing me, or did I drink too much beer?"

Strahm grinned. "Hug?" Oh no right...man hug?"

Hoffman shrugged. "Alright. And remind me not to use the crushing 'crushing' joke so much, yeah?" He felt Strahm flinch. "Sorry."

"Ahh, it's fine." Strahm stood and grinned evilly.

"Wait," Hoffman's mind clicked. "You just want to laugh at me when I fuck it up, don't you?"

"Don't you know it?" Strahm laughed and Hoffman tackled him to the ground. The two men wrestled before a cough caused them to look up. They froze as they took in John standing in the door glaring at them.

"Enjoying yourselves?" He asked dryly. The room went into a guilty silence. "We'll talk about that later. In the meantime, where's the rest of the beer?"

"Windowsill," Zepp pointed. "Hoffman's fridge is broken."

"_Danke_." He moved over to the window.

"He can speak German?" Amy bounded in and confronted him. "Ok, let's try some French: _je voudrais un beer si vous plait!_"

"_Non_." John said calmly.

"_Merde_." Amy swore.

Amanda clicked her tongue. "She tried it on me at lunch, never gave up." Hoffman got off the floor and Amanda kissed him on the cheek. "Hello. Look, I've got something to tell you – "

"If you want to keep the baby, I'm fine with it." Hoffman said quickly.

Amanda beamed. "Really? You mean that?"

He hugged her. "Yeah sure, now tell me your news before I regret what I said?"

Amanda let him go and then said, with the straightest face possible: 'I'm not pregnant."

"YESSS!" Hoffman immediately stopped celebrating when he saw Amanda's – and Jill's – expression. "Sorry...I just...well..."

"You're such a douche," Amanda sighed, then kissed him. "But I love you just the same. Thanks for saying all the right things; at least I can credit you with that."

"You're welcome," He studied her face. "Are you sure you're ok?"

Amanda laughed. "I'm fine. 'Sides, I didn't think you were ready really to, you know, be a father."

Hoffman rounded on Strahm. "See? I told you!" He stabbed a finger at Adam. "And I want my fridge back, bitch!"

"More beer!" Adam quickly changed the subject.

"Muffin?" Lawrence asked Zepp and Izzy, who started sniggering childishly. "OH DEAR GOD!"

"_Je voudrais_ – "

"NO AMY, NO BEER!"

"But Jooohhn, I didn't get offered a muffin...pff!"

"God, the immaturity of teenagers...HOFFMAN, ZEPP, THAT GOES FOR YOU MENTALLY!"

"You know," Amanda commented to Jill. "Sometimes it feels like we've got our own insane family right here."

"I reckon you've got that right." Jill agreed, after watching Amy steal John's beer and deciding that – after spitting it out the window onto an unfortunate passer-by – she didn't like it much after all and preferred pina colada.

**Disclaimer: I am not saying that men and women behave that way usually; it is for comedic value (and kinda influenced by 'Juno')**

**Hope you enjoyed! Sorry for not updating for ages, GCSE exams are coming in and my exam window is coming up, so may not be able to write for a while.**


	17. Q is for Quidditch

**Only one more Harry Potter movie. How sad is that? So in commemoration to this here's a chapter about some of the weirdest Potter-fans ever...**

**Q is for Quidditch**

"The sorting hat places you in...Slytherin!"

John glared up at Amanda. "What does it matter what 'house' I'm in – I'm not even AT school anymore! And please will you take that ridiculous hat off my head?"

"It's not ridiculous," Amanda pouted, taking the children's witch hat off him. "It's...it's..."

"Ridiculous." John ended. "Now please go away and be a Harry Potter nerd elsewhere."

As Amanda stormed off he groaned and banged his head against the trap designs he was trying – and failing – to complete. After the premiere of the very last Harry Potter film, it felt like everyone had gone Pottermad. Explosions from 'potions' they tried to make, diagrams for making horcruxes...he had even come back from getting a new victim to find a white owl screeching the place down and leaving pellets everywhere. This was the last straw and he felt like 'Avada Kedavra'ing them or whatever the hell it was, just to get them to shut up. He had no interest in whether Rupert Grint was more fit than Daniel Radcliff – one of them was ginger, enough said – and he wanted them to stop ASAP otherwise he WOULD go Voldemort on their asses and kill them. At that moment there was a resounding crash and a cheer from somewhere in the building. That. Was. IT! With a snarl John strode to the door and flung it open – then wished he'd left them to it.

He was met with the sight of Strahm and Hoffman running at each other on brooms, slapping at each other in a girly fashion and running away again. Everyone else, with the notable exception of Kat and Izzy, was there, cheering them on. John groaned. He may not be a massive fan of Harry Potter, but he understood what they were trying to do: Quidditch.

"John, you're actually here!" Amy cheered. "Now we can start play!"

"Wha – what?" John spluttered. "But I – but – NO! NO FUCKING WAY!"

"Why?"

"It is...beneath my dignity to do such a thing."

"John, we all know that you've read all the books three times each and have a crush on Hermione," Jill thrust a broom at him. "So play."

"The first bit is a total lie," John mumbled. "And Hermione's cute..." But he still took the broom and joined the group.

"Right," Amy started. "We all know that a proper Quidditch team has seven players ("No." Muttered John, which earned him a sharp poke in the ribs from Jill) but since numbers are quite small we'll have to make do with five-a-side. Strahm, you are team leader of Gryffindor, and Hoffman, you're team leader of Slytherin."

"Why does _he_ get to be Gryffindor?" Hoffman whined as Strahm did a victory dance in the corner. "Admit it; I'm more Gryffindor than he is!"

"Actually we count you more as a Hufflepuff, so you're quite lucky, 'cos we we're not using that house or Ravenclaw because they suck."

"They do not!...Hufflepuffs are good finders!"

"But what the hell is a Hufflepuff? You don't know? So shut up."

"Look, can we stop quoting 'A Very Potter Musical' and get on with the game?" Amanda asked impatiently as Strahm, Hoffman, Adam and Lawrence started fighting over who looked most like Harry, Ron, Neville and Malfoy.

"Fine, let's pick teams."

Strahm went first and picked Zepp, and Hoffman went for John because he 'reminded him of Voldemort', which was rewarded by a glare and a muttered 'Avada Kedabra'; this brought on a ten-minute argument about the correct pronunciation, which after much demonstrations with sticks instead of wands John went and sulked in a corner because he had been proved wrong. Hoffman went on to pick Amanda, Adam and Lawrence: meanwhile Strahm selected Amy, Jill and – after a bit of manic dancing from Amy –

"Why," Growled Hoffman. "Do I even bother?"

"Woo!" Agreed the ghost of Michael Jackson, before affectionately hitting him over the head with one of the baseball bats they were using for being 'Beaters'.

"Anyway," Zepp said hurriedly, sensing a very one-sided fight brewing. "What's going to be our Snitch? I mean we've got a football as the quaffle and everything, but how – "

"Relax Zepp," Amy winked. "I've got it covered...oh Izzyyyyy!"

"Amy, I hate you." Izzy was wearing yellow trainers, short-shorts and vest top, paired with a set of fairy wings. She scowled and crossed her arms across her chest as Zepp's eyes widened. "Yes, I'm the snitch. Catch me."

"Bagsie Seeker!" Zepp said quickly.

"Ditto!" Hoffman caught Amanda's glare. "...What? It's fun."

Amanda didn't even blink. "Fun. Right."

"Brooms!" Amy shouted, sensing another fight brewing. "Positions! Three...two...one..." She blew a whistle. Immediately the ghost of Michael Jackson began to whack tennis balls with deadly accuracy at Hoffman, and Jill snatched the ball and aimed it at the goal; however Amanda just stepped to the side and let it go through.

"Amanda," Hoffman shouted over the cheers of the other team and raising an arm to deflect the tennis balls. "You're meant to be the keeper!"

"So? This is a bit fun, you said so yourself!"

"Amanda – "

"Look, just go chasing after Izzy alright?"

"Chase after – " The penny dropped. "Amanda, I am not 'chasing after' Izzy...I save the perving for Zepp to do."

"Glad to hear!" Shouted Izzy as she sprinted past him.

"I am not a perv!" Zepp passes by a split second later. Jill scored again and Strahm laughed in Hoffman's face, calling him the Neville Longbottom of Quidditch.

Hoffman looked desperately at Amanda. "Amanda, please play, for God's sake!"

"Apologise."

"Oh for – fine, I'm sorry for being an accidental perv."

"Forgiven," Amanda said brightly, and as Amy went to score tripped her up and threw the ball to Adam. Hoffman joined the chase for the 'Snitch', and after a few minutes of pointless running he had the upper hand; he had just gotten hold of her and was about to declare victory when –

"SNITCHES CAN'T DO THAT!" Hoffman howled, writhing on the floor after a particularly nasty karate kick from Izzy. Everyone stopped to watch the drama, apart from Adam and Lawrence, who headed immediately to the goal and kept on scoring. The ghost of Michael Jackson kept on hitting the tennis balls at Hoffman to keep him down, whilst Zepp finally picked Izzy up around the waist and Amy blew the whistle once more, ending the game. John, who had been staying well clear of the ball and the 'Beaters', breathed a sigh of relief.

"What was the point of that?" Hoffman groaned as another tennis ball hit his head; ghosts clearly had no idea about the meaning of the phrase 'game over'.

"The karate kick," Izzy giggled, hugging Zepp who was looking very pleased with himself. "Was for being a perv and grabbing me."

"Catching you was the object of the game!"

"Never mind," Amanda said soothingly. "We may have lost, but at least we played well."

Amy coughed. "Ah...actually you drew."

"WHAT?" Strahm looked indignant. "I demand a recount!"

"No, and it serves you right: while you were watching Hoffman being assaulted by a paranormal being, Adam and Lawrence scored enough times to bring the points up to evens. Hoffman, your team would've won if they hadn't started fighting midway through."

Adam and Lawrence glowered at each other.

"I'm not a fucking drag queen." Adam muttered.

"You could've fooled me darling." Lawrence drawled. They started hitting each other with their brooms, whilst the actor who played William Hartnell felt the shame. And John lost it."

"Are you all mad?" He exploded.

"Well...yes, actually."

"Shut up Amy! Get this into your heads – Harry Potter IS NOT REAL! The series is OVER! Now I'm going to be before I 'Avada Kedabra' you – "

"AVADA KEDAVRA!"

John gave up and left the room. Hoffman looked triumphant and turned to Amanda. "See? Told you he was like Voldemort!"

"In what way?"

"Evil, scary, plotting world domination..."

"That bit SO isn't true!"

"Well – "

"Can I get changed now?" Izzy interrupted. "Only these wings are really digging in. Amy nodded and Izzy made to leave, but shot a glare at Zepp as he tried to follow. "NOT YOU TOO, PERV!"

"Dammit!" Zepp muttered as she exited.

"Does she know about the spy camera attached to that owl yet?" Hoffman asked casually as Amy did her crazy dance and the ghost vanished again.

"Yes."

"How do you know?"

"Because it's dead."

Before Hoffman could comment on this there was a shout and Izzy ran back into the room giggling like a loon.

"What's up?" Zepp asked her as they heard muffled swearing coming from up the corridor.

"John's reading 'The Philosopher's Stone'," Izzy grinned and winked as everyone else cheered and high fived each other. "I think we've managed to get him hooked..."

**Yes, the actor DID say that...well sing it...there's a clip on YouTube somewhere...**

**Anyway, hope you enjoyed! Please leave the answer to the question I asked earlier in your review (who looks like Malfoy etc. out of Lawrence etc.) **


	18. R is for Redecorating

**Sorry for not updating for ages; my novel's kinda been put on hold for a while, so I thought I'd try to update some of my old stuff, and make it a long one to make up for lost time. Enjoy!**

**R is for Redecorating**

It had been two hours since Hoffman had declared a State of Emergency and gathered all the males together for a Meeting of Extreme Importance. Not that anyone knew what the emergency or extreme importance was about. The time had been divided up as follows: half an hour of poker, where Hoffman boasted about how much he was going to win; half an hour where they raided Hoffman's flat to find his money while Hoffman – being sat on by Strahm – protested that the games were fixed; and the last hour had been spent drinking and watching the football on Sky HD (and sulking, in certain cases).

"It's not fair," Hoffman sulked as a penalty was given – to which side no-one had any idea. "You all ganged up on me."

"You were the one who objected to playing strip poker," Lawrence knocked back the last of his Stella Artoris. "Besides, if we'd done that instead it wouldn't have been _you_ I'd've ganged up against."

Adam batted his eyelashes. "You'd really do anything to see me naked wouldn't you? You did mean me, right?"

"Well he clearly didn't mean _me, _did he?" John rolled his eyes.

Adam glared. "He'd better not."

Lawrence patted him on the head. "Now, now, dear." He turned to loom at Hoffman. "Are you going to stop pouting and tell us what this emergency meeting is for?"

Hoffman blinked. "Ah. Yeah." He set aside his can. "So, as you know Amanda, Jill, Amy, Izzy and Kat are having a spa break over the weekend."

Zepp winced. "Don't remind me – Izzy had a go at me for rubbishing the cleansing properties of cucumber."

Strahm patted him on the shoulder. "On the plus side, you have now learnt the most important lesson of them all: never tell a woman that she's wrong."

"But I swear they're for eating, not putting on eyes!"

Adam nodded. "I agree, but waste of food or not, Strahm has a point."

John sniggered suddenly. "Do you think that Amy will try to get them to put muffins on her eyes?"

"Honestly?" Zepp thought for a second. "Yeah, most probably. Anyway, we're getting off the point; why exactly is that an emergency?"

Hoffman coughed. "Well, it's not really that. It's more the…bet I have on with Amanda."

The five other men looked at each other. This was not going to be good, given Hoffman's tendency to get into bets that he obviously would never be able to pull off. "Yeeeees…?"

"Well, she wants the bathroom redecorated, so she wanted me to get someone in to fix it up, but my last pay check has nearly been used up and I just can't afford it. We had a bit of a fight and she said if I was so uptight about money then I should just do it myself."

John groaned. "Please, _please_ tell me that you didn't say you would."

"Well obviously he did, otherwise he wouldn't be telling us this story."

"Thanks for pointing out the obvious, Doctor Gordon."

Adam sighed. "So…we're helping you redecorate?"

"Yep. Didn't he make that obvious?"

"As much as I love you Lawrence, stop talking before I tip this can over your head."

"Now why would you ever want to do that?"

"Um, guys?" Hoffman waved his arms to get attention. "We have roughly forty-eight hours to get this job done, so can we get to it?"

"Hold up," Strahm switched off the TV that no-one was watching anymore. "We haven't agreed to this – at least, _I_ haven't. I mean, a bunch of drunk guys with cement and paint? Come on, it's not gonna happen."

"One, we are not drunk." There suddenly appeared to be two Strahms looking at him doubtfully. Hoffman blinked several times. "Ok, not completely drunk anyway. And I'd really appreciate you all helping me prove Amanda wrong."

"How does that benefit me at all?"

"Oh shut up Strahm?" Zepp grinned at Hoffman. "C'mon, your bathroom can't be too bad."

xXx

_Time elapsed: 00:05:35_

"Is that…algae?"

"Of course it's not algae!"

"Well it's something green, and it's growing on the ceiling."

"Jesus Christ," Zepp blinked. "Hoffman, what have you been doing?"

"It's not that bad," Hoffman winced as Strahm pointedly kicked a wall tile and it fell and shattered on the floor. "Well…maybe…"

"Your bathroom's like shit." John cut him down. "The tiles are cracked, there's green stuff growing on the ceiling, and it smells like something's died in here."

"Probably his dignity." Lawrence stage-whispered to Adam and Zepp; the three high-fived while Hoffman started sulking again.

"Well," John cocked his head to the side as he thought. "Your bathroom's quite small, so at least we've got that on our side. I reckon this is actually plausible."

Hoffman grinned. "Alright! So, what's the plan?"

"I got some ready-mix cement."

"Good. Anything else?" Silence. John stared. "…Haven't you even got any stuff yet?" He groaned when Hoffman hung his head. "Ok, game plan: Adam, Lawrence, Zepp, you guys are going to go to Wickes and get some tiles and white paint. Strahm and I will remain here to get these tiles off the walls."

"Sounds like a plan." Strahm approved.

Adam punched his fist in the air. "To the Bat-mobile, Robin!"

"You mean, 'To Lawrence's shitty little Prius'." Zepp muttered.

"Do _not_," Lawrence growled. "Diss the Prius. Or you can walk all the way there."

"…Fine."

As the threesome left, Hoffman coughed timidly. "Uh, what am I supposed to do? You left me out of the plan."

John clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Hoffman, as you have an apparent lack of manliness and got us into this rather unnecessary situation, so you are relegated to Beer Boy."

"Yeah, and get me a cold one, snappy." Strahm smirked as Hoffman left and then turned back to John. "So, how are we going to get the tiles off the walls?"

"I noticed that Hoffman owns a pair of decently sized hammers…"

A slow smile spread across Strahm's face. "Hell yeah…"

xXx

_Time elapsed: 02:25:12_

"ARGH!" Several beer breaks later, Strahm gave what he thought of fondly as a manly yell as he slammed a hammer into the last section of tiles on the wall: it exploded with a rather satisfying smash and shards rained down onto the floor. He smirked at John. "My _God_ I feel manly!"

"No doubt your testosterone levels have reached a new high." John said dryly, draining his fifth beer can. He clicked his fingers. "Beer boy!"

Hoffman slouched into the room. He hated the whole nature of what he thought of as a conspiracy against him: first the poker, and now this – giving away _his_ beer and watching everyone else drink it while he went thirsty. I mean, where was the justice in that? It was like everyone was against him, even right from the beginning…his brain reminded him that they had, which put him in an even worse mood. "What?" He asked sulkily.

John held out his empty can. "Be a dear; pop this in a bin and get me a new can will you?"

Hoffman pouted. "Shan't."

"Hoffman…"

"No, no, no, shan't, shan't, shan't."

"_Hoffman…_"

Hoffman caught the death glare and rolled his eyes. "_Fine._" He stomped out of the room while John and Strahm shot each other a look.

"So immature…" Strahm shook his head sadly.

"You were the one who thought that crushing wall tiles was a manly thing to do." Strahm squeaked and ran out of the room. "Oh for goodness sake."

"We're baaaaaccckkk!" Zepp sang as he slammed the front door open. He was followed by a scowling Lawrence and Adam, who were carrying several heavy bagfuls of tiles.

"You could've helped." Lawrence grumbled.

"But I did!"

"Sitting in the trolley screaming at us to run faster was _not_ helpful."

"But it was so much _fun_…"

"Yes…until we lost control and you crashed into the paint tins."

It was only then that everyone took proper notice of Zepp's appearance. A huge patch of his face had turned the colour of eggshells, contrasting with the rest of his head, which was a violent shade of mulberry. The rest of his form was covered in mismatched blotches ranging between navy and violet. He cracked a grin, and flecks of dried paint detached from his lips and floated to the floor. "We ran into the blue/purple section."

"Which they weren't too happy about." Adam commented.

"No," Lawrence glared at Zepp. "No, they weren't."

Zepp looked wounded. "I don't know why you're glaring at _me_," He whined. "You two were pushing me!"

"Now is not the time to start pointing the finger of blame," John stared down all three of them, and felt like a boss. "Right now, we need to get redecorating. Lawrence, did you get the white paint?"

Lawrence dared to meet his eyes. "Yes, it's in the boot of the car."

"Go and get it. Adam, Zepp, start sweeping up these shards off the floor. Once you're done you can clean it."

Over Adam's whine of complaint, Zepp asked, "Uh…can I clean myself first?"

John sighed. "Yes, yes you may. Just – _why are you stripping?_"

Zepp paused while pulling off his shirt. "Shower?"

"Oh for goodness – fine, but make it a quick one. Five minutes tops." He turned to leave. "Adam, you're going to have to wait a while to start cleaning. Fancy a beer?"

Adam grinned. "Do you even need to ask?"

xXx

_Time elapsed: 02:45:17_

"So uh…we just add water, right?"

"Yeah, soooo eaaasssyyy even Hoffy here could do it!"

"Ah shaddup Strahm!"

"Guys…I think we had too much beer."

"Aww Adam, always the conscientious one."

"I am not consci…comsci…conscimomentus."

"You're not all that good at English, either."

"Johhnnny-boy, why are there three of you?"

"I was about to ask the same question to you."

"Hehehe…Johnny-boy, still elo…eloq…able to talk right when drunk."

"Ughh, I don't feel so good…"

"Aaaannnddd Hoffy can't take his alcohol."

"Shaddup Zepp, I never asked to be called Hoffy."

"And I never asked to be called Johnny-boy."

"Oh quit whining, both of ya."

"Larry, hey, hey, Larry!"

"'M right next to ya, dipshit – whadd'ya want?"

"How many beers did we have?"

"Iunno…six, mebbe?"

"Jesuuuss…"

"Thank God it's Friday."

"Friday, Friday, gotta ge' down on Fridayyy – "

""_Shaddup Adam._"

"Yeesshhh, why aren't ya feelin' the love?"

"I was around in the 80's, Adam…I felt enough love there to last a lifetime."

"Ewwwww!"

"Shut up, you immature excuse of a man!"

"Oooo, Adam got _burned_."

"Shaddup Hoffy!"

"No, _you_ shaddup!"

"Nooo, _you_ shaddup!"

"Shaddup Strahlami!"

"No – ohhhh I see what you _did _there!"

"Both of you shut up! Now, are we going to do some redecorating or what?"

"Yeahh, yeah we are!"

"Good, so let's pour in the water and get started."

"You sure this is wise, Johnny-boy?"

"Oh come on, what could possibly go wrong?"

xXx

_Time elapsed:_ _20:37:45_

Strahm awoke with a furry feel in his mouth and the strange sensation that he was vertical. This, he knew, was impossible, as when you pass out you always end up horizontally sprawled on the ground, on an unknown bed or some other strange object/place. He registered this just before his brain revolted against him and began slamming against the confines of his skull. Wincing, he tried to massage it back into submission but found that he could not move his arm. With a growing sense of horror, he realised that he couldn't move any part of his body whatsoever. With this now a certainty, he began to shout for help.

Meanwhile, Hoffman whimpered softly as the full effects of his own hangover took hold; Strahm's cries were not helping. He was dimly aware of other forms scattered around him, but his immediate call of duty was to shut up whoever it was who was screaming like a wuss and causing him unnecessary pain. After several aborted attempts to pick himself off the floor, he finally hauled himself up by means of an armrest and staggered in the direction of the bathroom. On registering Strahm he opened his mouth to speak, but after his blurred vision was able to comprehend exactly what was in front of him he cracked up laughing instead.

It was Lawrence who woke next. Getting up with slightly more success than Hoffman (on the third attempt instead of the tenth), he joined the men in the bathroom, took in the view and then jerkily returned to shake the other three men awake. "Guys…you gotta check this out…yes Adam it's painful, but trust me, you're going to _love_ this."

Five minutes later, they were still laughing at the unfortunate Strahm who somehow had been cemented to the wall.

"_It's not funny!_" Strahm screamed. "_Someone get me down, __now__!_"

"Oh relax," Zepp grimaced as his brain reminded him of the pain he was supposed to be in. "It could've been worse?

"How? _How could this __possibly__ be any worse?_"

"Well, we could've been like in 'The Hangover II' and ended up in some place overseas, and then we'd never get the bathroom finished before Amanda gets back…" Zepp's smile faded. "Oh shit…"

"_Shit!_" Hoffman shrieked, then winced as his head protested. "Ow! Shit! Ow! SHIT! OW!"

"What the hell are we going to do?"

"I don't know!" Hoffman had definitely gone into full-blown panic mode. "We've got just over a day to sort everything out, and we've used up all our concrete on sticking Strahm to the wall!"

John frowned. "I don't even…remember that. I seem to black out after the 'Johnny-boy' conversation."

Adam sniggered. "Johnny-boy…who came up with that?"

"You did."

"…Oh."

"I don't care about that," Hoffman shrieked. "_What are we going to do?_"

John snapped into action, despite the pounding in his skull. Honestly, did he have to sort out _everything?_ "Adam, Lawrence, Zepp, buy more packs of ready-mix cement. Hoffman, get me those hammers and a chisel."

"I don't have a chisel."

John turned back to the other three. "Add two chisels to the shopping list."

"Wouldn't it be cheaper to just cement over him?" Adam whinged.

The response from Strahm was quite clearly a negative one.

xXx

_Time elapsed: 26:07:51_

"What took you so long?" John demanded when the three shame-faced men returned with the shopping.

"The people in Ikea weren't happy to see us again." Zepp said grimly. "And we had to pay for the paint tins, which we'd somehow 'forgotten' to do the last time…"

"And then on the way back Lawrence got pulled over and breathalysed; he was over the limit so we were taken down to the station and now he has to go to court." Adam added cheerfully.

"We walked all the way back." Lawrence growled.

"Oh, I pity your woes," Strahm said sarcastically. "_Get me out of here._ I've had to put up with Hoffman trying to force feed me muffins as means of entertainment."

Hoffman was hurt. "I was trying to be _nice _for once; they were from my private stash as well!"

"A rare moment indeed," John commented dryly. "Now Hoffman, take a chisel and a hammer."

"Beer break for the rest of us!" Zepp cheered.

The response from the others was undeniably negative.

xXx

_Time elapsed: 28:32:49_

The last bit of plaster was cut away, and with only a small amount of cuts and minor lacerations, Strahm finally pulled free. "Thank God!"

"I agree," Lawrence replied grouchily. "I'm bored."

"Me too." Adam seconded.

"Me three!" Zepp agreed.

"Well I'm practically shitting bricks," Hoffman growled. "Because my bathroom still isn't bloody done!" He wished once again that he'd chiselled away a certain part of Strahm's anatomy which would make certain that future generations of Strahms would never occur.

"These things take time." John reminded him calmly.

"Yes, like _redecorating bathrooms._"

John sighed. "Fine. Let's go."

xXx

_Time elapsed: 29:02:16_

"The mildew's gone!" Adam called from the top of the step-ladder. Where the patch of green had been, there was now a patch of white that, sadly…

"_It's not the same colour as the rest of the ceiling!_" Hoffman screamed. _"I said white, not cream!_"

"Big deal."

"_We've got to paint the rest of the ceiling now!_"

"Oh…we'd better get that done then."

"Bloody well yes you will…"

xXx

_Time elapsed: 30:55:28_

"Less than eighteen hours left, and we're _still not done_."

"Calm down," John handed him a mug of coffee. "We'll work through the night and get it done."

"I should hope so…"

Lawrence looked doubtful. "I don't know John, it seems impossible."

"Listen," Strahm forced him to make eye contact. "We will succeed for one reason: we are _men_. Apart from Hoffman."

"Thanks."

"Men have triumphed over many struggles: racism, injustice, feminism – "

"Yep, and that's totally inoffensive."

"Shut up Zepp."

"Only pointing it out."

"Well, it wasn't needed. The point is, if we can beat that, we can beat DIY!"

John was impressed. "Nice pep talk, apart from the feminism bit."

"Thank you."

Adam, Lawrence and Zepp, fired up, cheered and high-fived. In the rumpus, the stepladder fell over and the pot of paint tipped over. Hoffman sighed and went to get a mop.

xXx

_Time elapsed: 38:10:12_

"Less than ten hours left and counting!"

"We've done half the wall…I didn't expect this to go well."

"Beer break?"

"NO, ADAM!"

"Fine, fine…"

xXx

_Time elapsed: 46:15:06_

"…Done."

"Thank…God…"

"I've never been so tired in my life."

"Hear, hear."

"Hoffmaaaan…can we have a beer celebration now?"

"No. You all need to go home. Now."

"Aww, whyyy?"

"Because Hoffman wants to take responsibility for our manly efforts."

"Ah, that explains it."

"Well Hoffman, it was good helping you. Good luck with Amanda."

"Thanks John."

"Now pay me."

"_What?_"

"Either that, or we all play Mariocart and eat your muffin stash for one-and-a-half hours before we leave."

"…Fine."

xXx

_Time elapsed: 48:01:01_

Jill touched Amanda's arm sympathetically. "Are you sure you don't want me to come in with you?"

Amanda thought for a second. "Actually, please do. I want you to witness my boyfriend's absolute humiliation and the destruction his wreaked on his own bathroom." Turning the key in the lock, the two women went inside. In the living room, they found Hoffman innocently watching Sky News. On seeing them he clicked off the TV.

"Hey Amanda," He smiled, standing up to kiss her. "How did your weekend go?"

Amanda smiled. "Pretty good actually – highlight was definitely Amy using two blueberry muffins as a face mask."

Hoffman laughed. "Oh we – I mean – I predicted that would happen."

Jill sniffed and frowned. "Is that…beer?"

Hoffman ignored her. "So…do you want to see the fruit of my efforts?"

"By all means," Amanda smirked. "Be my guest."

They went into the hall, and with a dramatic gesture flung open the door and snapped on the light. Amanda stared. White tiles. Cream ceiling. And all – seemingly – perfectly executed. "Wow…" She turned to Jill. "Sorry Jill you might as well go home, nothing's happening here."

Hoffman pretended to be shocked. "What? You mean you only invited her in to see me be torn apart? And I was going to put the kettle on."

"Shut up," Jill gave him a hard look. "There's other opportunities. And besides, I don't think you did it on your own."

Hoffman's eyes widened as he brought his acting to the next level. "_What?_ You doubt that I, with my sweat, blood and tears, redecorated the bathroom _alone?_"

"Yes."

"Amanda, tell your friend that she is wrong."

Amanda rolled her eyes. "I've got to admit it, you've done a pretty good job. Sorry Jill, I'm going to have to back him up on this one."

Hoffman beamed. "Oh yea of little faith. I'm going to make some coffee." As he walked away he called out:"You owe me Amanda!"

As the sounds of coffee beans grinding began, Jill turned to Amanda. "Do you believe him?"

"No."

"Do you like it?"

"No."

"Are you going to get a professional in?"

"Yes."

"When are you going to tell him?"

Amanda winked. "Some other time, Jill. Some other time…"

**Disclaimer: I do not share Strahm's view on feminism. It was for comic purposes. Please don't flame me. Thank you and hope you enjoyed – it's good to be back!**


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